Shame

Carrying your parents’ shame

Growing up in abuse means that you may have carried feelings of shame for the way you witnessed your parents acting or treating others.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family may mean that you witnessed your parents use, manipulate and control other people, just to get certain needs met. The people that these things were done to, were people that you genuinely liked and couldn’t believe had been treated in such a selfish and immoral way.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family, where one or both your parents had NPD, you will most likely have witnessed aggressive behaviour, socially inappropriate behaviour, victim playing, scapegoating, lying, manipulation and so much more. There will have been many times, where you felt ashamed that you were the son or daughter of such a parent. You would have literally felt like you were ‘bad’ or ‘toxic’ just by association. You would have felt like you had to constantly apologise for your parents’ awful behaviour. This was never your fault or ‘burden’ to carry however.

When dysfunction like this had always been your ‘normal’, you may have found yourself over-compensating somehow in adulthood. You may have noticed how much you are always trying to be kind, selfless and helpful to others. You may have noticed how much you people-please because you don’t want to be thought of as ‘bad’.

Your inner child took on your parents’ shame and this shame wasn’t yours to carry.

Your inner child may still need healing in regards to the abuse it witnessed and experienced.

Self-awareness is so important when trying to heal the trauma you experienced as a child.

You may not have awareness of certain behaviours you carry or even certain behaviours you still repeat because of what you were taught in your childhood.

To start healing, it is crucial to observe your emotions and pay attention to the intensity of your reactions in your body. What things trigger you and why? Why do some things upset you a lot? Why do you have low confidence in some areas but not in others? What things happened in your childhood that may remind you of the present?

Childhood trauma caused from abuse creates a lot of shame and emotional dysregulation.

If you want to start healing or figure out where things may be going wrong in your life, book an introductory call with me by emailing me at courageisallyouneed@gmail.com

Love Athina

CPTSD-Living with feelings of shame

Shame can be both good and bad. It can protect us from hurting others by commiting shameless acts but it can also be incredibly destructive when we feel ashamed for our mere existence. Shame is something that our abusive caregivers pass onto us by shaming us for things that they shouldn’t have.

Watch my video for more.

Love Athina

https://youtube.com/watch?v=mJYI2qZU1e8%3Fsi%3DkvzYXSLcBPgCZ5fh

Dealing with parental estrangement

If you have become estranged from your parents, it’s important to remember that this can be a very vulnerable place to be. Making the decision to become estranged from your family may alleviate some of the instant emotional pain after a huge argument, however, many people find that estrangement is a constant battle in their life, as it can cause them to endlessly think about their situation, even if they do feel an initial sense of relief.

Some people become estranged from their parents because they have been emotionally, physically or sexually abusive during childhood or beyond. This is a difficult decision to make but sometimes a necessary one. It’s immensely tricky to continue a healthy relationship if there has been abuse, and it can be extremely risky to continue a genuine relationship with this family member without the right professional intervention and support.

Others become estranged with their parents or siblings due to conflicts about religion or sexuality. This can also be especially painful, as the adult child isn’t able to truly be who they are. Authenticity is crucial for a happy life.

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Grieving the estrangement from a parent, no matter what the circumstances, is a very important part of healing from it, as the loss of an accepting & healthy parent is an extremely painful experience, even more so than normal grief. Nothing will ever fill the void of not having had what every child so rightfully deserves. Comfort, validation & unconditional love. Realising that a parent was never truly able to love & accept you, is utterly heartbreaking.

Even if there was abuse, children never stop loving their parent unconditionally and never stop hoping that their parent will change. This is the main reason adult children remain in contact with a parent, despite any abuse that may have occured. They will always long for the unconditional love they never had. In cases when the abuse or invalidation was constant, the trauma bond will also be why the adult child finds it hard to cut ties with their parent.

If the adult child isn’t able to fully grieve the loss of a healthy parent, they will not be able to move forward in a new relationship with them. If the parent continues to be abusive, shows no remorse, shows no understanding and doesn’t make any attempts to make amends, then it is healthier for the relationship to end.

In both cases of estrangement and remaining in contact, grieving is essential. Grieving helps lift the intense painful heaviness of not having had your needs met in childhood. It helps lessen the anger, frustration and injustice.

Most importantly, the adult children who end up going ‘no contact’, have to learn to live with the ‘early death’ of their parent before that parents actually dies. They have to continue living their life, without any communication or knowledge of how that parent is. They have to swallow the grief that creeps up from time to time, during holidays, birthdays, Mother’s day, Father’s day and during other emotional times in their life.

Those adult children who were lucky enough to have had good childhoods, with unconditionally loving parents, will never truly understand the deep pain of those who didn’t have good childhoods.

Family estrangement is a huge challenge and living with it requires support in more ways than one. It is important to have counselling from time to time and to be surrounded by understanding friends or a partner that can truly empathize. Lastly, it is crucial for the estranged, to feel the sadness that emerges and be self-compassionate as much as possible.

Love Athina ♥

How to deal with negative emotions

Happy Monday dear followers & friends,

I have been busy making & editing youtube videos for the last few days, as towards the end of the month I will be very busy studying. I am trying to do videos on topics that people have emailed me about and today’s video is based on a question from a YouTube Subscriber.

Dealing with negative emotions is something everyone can relate to and is something that nobody wants to face in this life. Unfortunately, every single one of us has constant experience with negative or uncomfortable emotions.

I have already written a blog post about the main point I make in the video below: https://couragecoaching.wordpress.com/2016/08/04/the-importance-of-feeling-our-feelings/

In the video I talk about the importance of dealing with negative emotions in the healthiest way.

This healthiest way, is something that has already helped many people who have had coaching and psychotherapy and I am offering it in this video for free.

I really hope it is helpful and makes sense. If you think it might help others, please re-blog or share it on social media.

Love Athina ♥