fear – COURAGE COACHING

The aftermath of a traumatic incident

As much as I dislike watching the news and tend to limit what I take in, it is increasingly difficult to not be affected by the constant bombardment of war footage, terrorist attacks, murder and suffering.

When you are a highly sensitive & empathetic person, it is easy to get overwhelmed by the sadness of others. I am very much aware of the cruel injustice in our world and it hurts me deeply to see so many suffering. It is even tougher when this is repeated in your own country. Due to the fact that I know what it feels like to have your life threatened, I decided to make the following video on the aftermath of trauma. This is my small contribution towards all those affected.

Despite my traumatic childhood, I was also once caught up in armed robbery, where a gunshot went off right next to me and a woman was lying on the floor with blood on her leg. The disbelief of what I had witnessed was indescribable. The terror I felt shook me to the core. I couldn’t comprehend how someone could shoot a gun, when everyone at the cashier was cooperating and the robbers had managed to get their money.

This armed robbery happened at a time where I was very vulnerable already as my CPTSD was really bad. All I could think of after this robbery was ‘not again, not another trauma to add to my list’. Life felt so unfair and scary on that day and my mind was telling me that there was more damage done and that I would not recover this time.

If it wasn’t for my kind therapist at the time, to ground me and tell me that I wasn’t going to let this swallow me, I don’t know how I would have coped in the long term.

So this video is for those of you who are new to trauma. It is helpful in understanding yourself after a traumatic experience and it gives you the tools you need to ride the emotional waves that may at times feel like they are taking over.

Although I am not a qualified psychotherapist, I do have a lot of insight into trauma through my own journey and I know the many things that helped me, as well as others. If you are someone who is in deep distress, then please call a qualified mental health professional.

Thank you so much for reading & watching! ♥

Please share this post if you think it will help others.

Check out my patreon page below, if you would like to support the creation of more videos, documents and fact sheets.

https://www.patreon.com/AthinaEhlen

Love Athina ♥

Finding a balance between self-soothing and running away from emotional pain is tough..

Inspired by a comment made by a friend on her facebook page, I wanted to address the difficulty of finding a balance between self-soothing and running away from emotional pain. I also wanted to write about what it actually means to self-soothe.

Self-soothing is about allowing yourself to experience any uncomfortable emotions by using healthy techniques to comfort and restore balance. Successful self-soothing doesn’t mean that you make the feelings more intense. It means that you will eventually enable the emotions to pass. Self-soothing is about tolerating an uncomfortable experience, without acting in ways that are not helpful in the long run. This is when running away from emotional pain comes in. If you choose to block your emotions or run from them, this will then make the emotions grow in intensity or come out in ways you didn’t intend in the future.

Running away from emotional pain looks like the following:

Compulsively drinking, smoking or self-medicating
Using meaningless sexual encounters to numb emotional pain or fear of abandonment
Compulsively working or keeping busy to avoid feeling
Sleeping too much to avoid feeling
Comfort or emotional eating – Eating too much sugar or fatty foods whenever you feel low
Compulsively exercising
Gambling
Compulsively shopping

Do you see a pattern here? The more addictively or compulsively you do something, the more it means you are running away from what needs to be dealt with. It’s like an ostrich burying its head in the sand — just because you are hiding from everything and pretending everything is okay, does not mean that it will be okay.

We are all guilty of running away from our emotions. Sometimes they are just too painful to deal with and nobody wants to feel pain of any sort.

My biggest vice seems to still be comfort eating. I love my cakes & biscuits unfortunately, although apart from those, I generally eat a very balanced diet. Chain smoking used to be my biggest coping mechanism from the ages of 15-22 but I am so glad that I was able to quit.

Luckily, I have become better at self-soothing. I have realised that the more I deal with my emotions, the better I feel in the long term.

When feelings are dealt with head on, you talk about them, you cry, you blog about them, you ask a friend for support and you do something in that moment that will help you feel a little better, safer or comforted.

Self-soothing means that you wrap yourself in a blanket and play your favourite music. It means that you take yourself for a walk in nature. It means you find a quiet space in your home and you focus on breathing slowly and deeply and calming yourself down. It means that when you are feeling especially low, you read out some positive affirmations to help empower you. It means that you run a bath with your favourite oil or bath foam.It means that you engage in something creative. It means that you listen to your body.It means that you practice self-compassion and kindness to yourself. Self-soothing can be done using all 5 senses.

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There are so many ways to self-soothe and everyone has different ways of doing so.

What is your experience?

Do you feel you are somewhere in the middle of self-soothing and running away from your problems or not?

Please share your experiences.

Thanks for reading

Love Athina♥♥

Avoidant Personality Disorder

Although it isn’t Monday yet, I have already uploaded Monday’s Youtube video 3 hours early, as tomorrow I am mostly on the go and won’t be checking in much.

As most of my videos focus on CPTSD, Narcissistic abuse, Dysfunctional Relationships and other areas of emotional difficulty, I wanted to address a cluster C disorder this time, as this is something I have experience with. Avoidant Personality is an anxious disorder which can be very pervasive and self-limiting for those who live with it.

It can be caused by childhood trauma and can co-exist with Depression, CPTSD, Dependent Personality Disorder, as well as other disorders.

An individual is diagnosed as having AVPD, if they meet 4 or more of the following 7 criteria.

Definition: A pervasive pattern of social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, and hypersensitivity to negative evaluation, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by four (or more) of the following:

(1) avoids occupational activities that involve significant interpersonal contact, because of fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection

(2) is unwilling to get involved with people unless certain of being liked

(3) shows restraint within intimate relationships because of the fear of being shamed or ridiculed

(4) is preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations

(5) is inhibited in new interpersonal situations because of feelings of inadequacy

(6) views self as socially inept, personally unappealing, or inferior to others

(7) is unusually reluctant to take personal risks or to engage in any new activities because they may prove embarrassing

As with most personality disorders AVPD isn’t completely curable, although therapy, medication and the right support can help people lead more successful lives.

Is this something you may suffer with? If yes, then get in touch!

Love Athina ♥

How to deal with negative emotions

Happy Monday dear followers & friends,

I have been busy making & editing youtube videos for the last few days, as towards the end of the month I will be very busy studying. I am trying to do videos on topics that people have emailed me about and today’s video is based on a question from a YouTube Subscriber.

Dealing with negative emotions is something everyone can relate to and is something that nobody wants to face in this life. Unfortunately, every single one of us has constant experience with negative or uncomfortable emotions.

I have already written a blog post about the main point I make in the video below: https://couragecoaching.wordpress.com/2016/08/04/the-importance-of-feeling-our-feelings/

In the video I talk about the importance of dealing with negative emotions in the healthiest way.

This healthiest way, is something that has already helped many people who have had coaching and psychotherapy and I am offering it in this video for free.

I really hope it is helpful and makes sense. If you think it might help others, please re-blog or share it on social media.

Love Athina ♥

The importance of feeling our feelings

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If we were able to count how many times we avoided our own suffering, I think we would fail miserably..

We have all at some point avoided emotions that are uncomfortable, by distracting ourselves, by numbing ourselves and by completely ignoring what is really going on..

This makes complete sense..Humans don’t like suffering..

By avoiding pain, we are temporarily soothing ourselves so we can better cope with what is bubbling under the surface. We might drink alcohol, do drugs, eat too much food, watch too much tv or spend too much time on the internet. We might develop addictions to numerous things and not even realise it.This is how we cope and in society at the moment, a huge percentage of us are addicted to the internet. If we are feeling down, we go online to search for clues as to what might make us feel better.If we are lonely, we announce it to the world on social media to get attention, instead of just reaching out to a caring friend. If we are happy, we also go online and share it with the world, instead of just enjoying the moment.

Since the focus of this post is on uncomfortable feelings, we need to acknowledge how often we avoid them..How will we ever grow and better ourselves if we constantly hide behind our suffering?

Distractions are good sometimes, don’t get me wrong..and also connecting with people online, blogging, watching videos etc..The important thing to remember is however, that we still need to be aware of what we still need to improve or change in our lives and actually do it!

For those of us who suffer with a mental illness, it is even more challenging to not run from suffering..Especially if it is a constant part of our lives to feel really low, anxious, terrified, lonely etc..If we have a history of trauma, no matter how much we try to ‘numb ourselves’, this will eventually start seeping out..

If we have been made to feel small, unimportant or ashamed in our childhood, then this will be incredibly tough to run from or avoid..We will feel it in the depth of our being..It will reveal itself in every step forward we may try to take..No matter what we do in our life, we will never feel good enough, lovable enough, deserving enough..It is a tough reality to bare..

Avoiding our feelings gives us temporary relief but with a whole life ahead of us, this isn’t enough..

If you are suffering at the moment, then face the pain..cry…ask for a hug..have human contact..Talk to someone who will genuinely listen..Don’t bury your suffering inside a tv or by reading about how you can make it better on numerous sites….This can also become addictive..gathering information about a certain area constantly but without actually taking any actions to improve that area of our suffering, is also avoiding pain..

Yes, of course we need validation for our suffering but make sure that you are making progress..If you want to deal with your anxiety, then take active steps to improve this..Talk to a qualified Coach or Therapist..Practice daily positive affirmations..Take ACTUAL STEPS to accept and manage your feelings..ACCEPTANCE is very important but ACTION is too!

If you want to change jobs but feel too scared, then face your discomfort head on and start applying for new ones..Attend interviews..Keep trying..

If you are scared of heights but would love to go trekking, then find a way to face your fear..

The list goes on..and applies to many areas of our lives..

No matter what uncomfortable feelings you are avoiding, face them..The longer you avoid them, the longer they will remain..

We have to face discomfort..

We have to face reality..

We have to face our fears..

This is how we will grow..heal..get better

This is how we will improve our confidence, reduce our suffering and release our fears..

and lastly, if a situation is unchangeable due to our lack of control over it, learn to ACCEPT it for what it is..

Love Athina ♥

Courage

Today’s post will be short and sweet as unfortunately my internet is playing up and keeps having long disconnection periods. I have barely been able to post anything today due to this, so my apologies if this blog post is a little short. I think short and sweet, will be the theme of this day! 🙂

I wanted to write a little bit about why I chose Courage as the name of my Coaching business.

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First of all, courage is very important when challenging ourselves at times where we need to make big changes in our personal life, our work or our health.

Courage is necessary when we deal with grief, physical & emotional pain or overwhelming fear.

As survivors of abuse would agree, courage is crucial for getting through the trauma and emotional pain that starts with the abuse, continues throughout the abuse and then unfortunately becomes a part of the long journey of recovery after the abuse.

For those affected by war & overwhelming grief, courage is what keeps them going every day, when all they want is to stop feeling so frightened & devastated.

Courage is important for survival, for better quality of life, for the ability to self-reflect and for getting through adversity.

Below are some definitions that I found online when I was deciding on COURAGE as a name for my business.

Courage is:

The ability to do something that frightens one; bravery.
Strength in the face of pain or grief
The choice and willingness to confront agony, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation.
The power or quality of dealing with or facing danger, fear, pain, etc..
Courage, also called fortitude, is the ability to confront fear, pain, danger, uncertainty or intimidation. It can be divided into “physical courage” — in face of physical pain, hardship, and threat of death — and “moral courage” — in the face of shame, scandal, and discouragement..
The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.

I also selected a few of the most inspiring quotes about courage, in my opinion.

”You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along”.

Eleanor Roosevelt

”I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear”.

Nelson Mandela

”Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy”.

Dale Carnegie

”You will never do anything in this world without courage. It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor”.

Aristotle

What is it about courage that inspires you the most?

Love Athina ♥

Leaving your comfort zone

Moving out of our comfort zone can be extremely rewarding if we are able to manage the anxiety that pops up. Humans are creatures of habit and having a steady routine, a safe haven in our home and the people around us that provide love and validation,becomes so important.We fear uncertainty, loss, pain, and so we seek to keep ourselves cooped up in our ‘safety net’ of comfort.

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The difficult thing about comfort zones, is that they can at times foster an attitude of learned helplessness making progress harder.

Personal discovery and personal development tend to happen more when we are outside our comfort zone but how often do we actually manage to venture outside it?

The one thing that my coachees always find helpful, is to start off with setting 1 small goal. It is easier to focus on 1 thing at a time if you want to make progress. The goal has to be something that is achievable and a little scary, but not overwhelming. Once you succeed in reaching this initial goal, this will then give you the courage and further motivation to tackle something bigger.

Sometimes, people overstretch themselves by doing too much at once, too quickly.

If someone has never left home, has never gone on a holiday abroad and then suddenly gets offered a job in another country where they don’t even speak the language, then this is an example of something that can be too much.

How do you cope when you have to leave your comfort zone? Have you had any experiences which were overwhelming? I am particularly interested in people who also suffer from anxiety often. How do you tackle this? I would love to hear your experiences.

Love Athina ♥