comfort – COURAGE COACHING

You are not a failure

Nobody told you when you were a child that life could feel so tough sometimes.

Nobody told you that life could drain the joy right out of you, just when you thought things were getting better.

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Life is a crazy rollercoaster and you have to ride it out, no matter what it throws at you.

It might be that your boss criticizes you, no matter how much extra work you put in.

It might be that your partner who once made you smile, now only seems to point out all your flaws.

Your family might be hopeless at supporting you and instead always tells you when you have let them down.

Your looks fall short of what is considered beautiful, your body has piled on the pounds and your health is deteriorating.

Your money problems never seem to end and you are surrounded by angry, hateful and impatient people.

Everywhere you seem to look, there are people pointing out what is wrong with you.

Your career isn’t where it is supposed to be. You still aren’t married and people think there is something wrong with you for not wanting to have kids.

Even people with the best self-esteem, can end up feeling horrible.

Everywhere you look, people are pointing out that you are a failure..

Outer criticism ends up becoming inner criticism. That inner criticism ends up taking hold of your daily life and you can’t seem to silence that nasty little voice inside you that tells you, you have failed.

You might have once been a reasonably confident person and now you are nowhere near that.

Do you find yourself being haunted by this inner voice of failure? Do you find yourself needing to apologise for things that are out of your control?

Are you sorry that you couldn’t do better at work? Then you failed

Are you sorry that you couldn’t lose weight? Then you failed

Are you sorry that your partner left you? Then you failed

Are you sorry that you are too sick to support your family? Then you failed

Are you sorry that you are struggling with the housework? Then you failed

Are you sorry that everything is too stressful? Then you failed

These negative thoughts are very harmful, even though you may not think so. When you internalise self-doubt your body absorbs it. Your muscles tense and you can actually become physically ill from it. If you allow others negativity to affect how you see yourself, then this might become a vicious cycle.

Have you ever noticed that when an abusive spouse, parent or boss criticizes you, you get nervous and are more likely to make more mistakes? The more difficult the people around you, the more on edge you feel and the more clumsy you may become. This was definetely the case with me for many years…

It is crucial to be aware of how destructive it can be to give your control away to others. If you constantly accept that you are a failure, because you judge yourself through others’ eyes, then you will eventually freeze. You will stop trying, you will stop living..

So how do you change this? How do you manage to keep the negativity that surrounds you away?

First of all, remember this! You are NOT A FAILURE!

You are not a failure because you failed your driving test.

You are not a failure because your relationship ended.

You are not a failure because you lost your job.

You are not a failure because you don’t want kids.

You are not a failure because others think you are.

Making mistakes in life is NORMAL. Making mistakes in life doesn’t mean that you are a failure. A mistake is just a mistake! This doesn’t make you anything less than wonderful.

Mistakes help you learn and at least you were brave enough to take on new opportunities.

Every time you catch yourself telling yourself that you are a failure, then say the word ‘STOP’. You are not a failure..

Remind yourself of all the good things you have done and that you are proud of. Even the tiniest things can mean so much! Don’t let others define you. Nothing matters more than the opinion YOU HAVE of yourself.

Never apologise for not being good enough because you are a valuable and worthy person. No matter how much others judge you, don’t let their voice drown out your own.

YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!

Love Athina ♥

Our child within

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Love Athina ♥

Living as an expat and the additional challenges of those with a mental illness

Some of you may have had the experience of moving abroad for the first time to follow your partner’s work. Some of you may have actually been the ones that were offered a job in another country. Whatever your circumstances, being an expat is challenging. If the country you have chosen to move to also speaks another language, then this obviously poses another challenge: that of not being able to communicate effectively.

From my own personal experience, being an expat has been eye-opening and tough at times. My husband has a typical full time work routine and I on the other hand, do some coaching, some voluntary work and the odd child-care. The voluntary work & coaching is mostly from home & online and life has felt very isolating at times. Trying to set up an English speaking business in a German speaking country also has its challenges.

Although learning the language in the country you are living in, is the best option by far, for some of us this just isn’t an option. The reasons for this are many. Some people may only be staying in the country for a short time, 1 or 2 years and will then be moving on to another country. Their job requires constant moving around the globe, so learning a new language each time just isn’t worth the time and effort. Others, aren’t able to learn the language due to health problems, other commitments or a general fear of leaving their comfort zone.

From personal experience and if I am completely honest, I don’t like the language in the country I am living in. I really wish I did but unfortunately I don’t. Secondly I don’t have the motivation to put in the hard work to learn it. This all stems from the fact that when we originally moved abroad with my husband, I was only going to be staying for a year and then moving back home to study. If I had known that I would be abroad for nearly 2,5 years initially, I probably wouldn’t have made the move.

Secondly, due to my mental health and the fact that I live with Complex PTSD, motivating myself to learn a new skill is tough at the best of times, due to the many symptoms of my illness. I am triggered often by my surroundings and feel easily overwhelmed. In order for me to do something well, I have to be determined to learn it and also have an interest in it. This is enough to help me push through the uncomfortable symptoms of my CPTSD. The greater the interest in something, the more motivated I am & the better I become at it.

If you think back to when you were at school, your best subjects were mostly the ones you enjoyed, right? If you were forced to learn things you really didn’t enjoy or even understand, then the result is usually one of frustration or boredom. If on top of that, you also struggled with depression or other mental health problems, your concentration & memory might have also been affected. This was something I was very familiar with for most of my school & subsequent university years. Everything had always been a struggle, due to the neglect and abuse I suffered as a child.

Having a mental illness is a struggle in your daily life even when you are within your comfort zone of ‘HOME’ but when you consider the life as an expat, this can be even more overwhelming. Not only do you feel like a fish out of water and have to deal with homesickness but you also have to get used to the dissapproval you constantly feel for not being what others expect you to be. A fully integrated member of the country you are living in. This obviously means knowing the language, having a job and taking part in some social activities. If however, you aren’t able to be this fully integrated member, this makes you miss home more and more. It can trigger episodes of anxiety & depression and every day becomes even more of a challenge.

We are all different in the way we choose to live our lives and that is totally okay. Some of us have never lived outside our hometown and don’t have an interest in ever doing so. Some of us don’t mind moving around to different cities within our country & others choose to move all around the world and absolutely love it.

I think it is always okay to be honest with ourselves and know our limitations. It is ok to admit that living as an expat might be absolutely terrifying for us.For those of us who are lucky enough to have many friends and family living nearby, we might always value these relationships above moving abroad for a job and that is completely okay!

For me personally, I don’t have a problem living abroad in general but I am just not someone who has an interest in languages. I already speak 2 fluently and have constantly travelled between Greece & England all of my life. I am very content with that. I also am happy to support my husband in his work, which is currently in Germany, as he has created the comfortable lifestyle we have. I am very blessed to be able to share this with him. In future however, I would only move to an English speaking country or back to Greece, which is is where I grew up.

In regards to mental health, when thinking about the difficulties and stigma of mental illness in addition to the difficulties of those of us living as an expat, people need to become more aware of the importance of talking about this and being more understanding.

People need to stop stigmatising those people who are making certain choices in their life, which may differ hugely from others. Expats that choose to live abroad but also struggle with mental health issues, need to cut themselves some slack and be more self-accepting. Other expats who live abroad and have absolutely no mental health issues, need to be aware of those of us who do. It is a big challenge!

It can be very isolating to have mental health problems but even more so when you are living abroad. You will already have your limitations and you will find certain things even tougher than you may have thought of originally. Things that never scared you before will feel absolutely terrifying when you are abroad. If you are also living abroad and don’t have any close friends or family to rely on, then this in itself can be very challenging.

The purpose of this post was to raise awareness of the struggles of those with mental illness that live abroad. I feel no shame in admitting that I am one of those people.

Luckily, despite my struggles, I managed to gain a qualification in CB Coaching and am able to support those with bigger struggles than my own, but in no means should I ignore my own daily living challenges in my life as an expat in Germany.

If you are an expat with mental health issues, then please pop by and say hello!

Love Athina ♥♥

Leaving your comfort zone

Moving out of our comfort zone can be extremely rewarding if we are able to manage the anxiety that pops up. Humans are creatures of habit and having a steady routine, a safe haven in our home and the people around us that provide love and validation,becomes so important.We fear uncertainty, loss, pain, and so we seek to keep ourselves cooped up in our ‘safety net’ of comfort.

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The difficult thing about comfort zones, is that they can at times foster an attitude of learned helplessness making progress harder.

Personal discovery and personal development tend to happen more when we are outside our comfort zone but how often do we actually manage to venture outside it?

The one thing that my coachees always find helpful, is to start off with setting 1 small goal. It is easier to focus on 1 thing at a time if you want to make progress. The goal has to be something that is achievable and a little scary, but not overwhelming. Once you succeed in reaching this initial goal, this will then give you the courage and further motivation to tackle something bigger.

Sometimes, people overstretch themselves by doing too much at once, too quickly.

If someone has never left home, has never gone on a holiday abroad and then suddenly gets offered a job in another country where they don’t even speak the language, then this is an example of something that can be too much.

How do you cope when you have to leave your comfort zone? Have you had any experiences which were overwhelming? I am particularly interested in people who also suffer from anxiety often. How do you tackle this? I would love to hear your experiences.

Love Athina ♥

The importance of resilience

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So what is resilience and is it common?

Resilience can be defined as an individual’s ability to properly adapt to stress and adversity. It is about an individual’s ability to manage difficult emotions that arise in times of difficulty, without supressing them.

Research shows that resilience is actually more common, than uncommon, as life has many ups and downs and people are having to adapt all the time to many difficult situations.

A person’s attitude is the most important element of having resilience. If someone generally has a negative thinking style, this is not helpful to having resilience.

There are a few many important attributes associated with resilience:

The capacity to make realistic plans and take steps to carry them out.
A positive and self-accepting view of yourself and confidence in your strengths and abilities.
Skills in communication and problem solving.
The capacity to manage strong feelings and impulses without complaining about any struggles or falling into self-pity when setbacks arise.
Adaptability-The ability to act flexibly in changing or challenging circumstances.
Asking for support or accepting support from others. Positive, supportive relationships are key to coping in tough times.
Having humour- Finding light moments in depressing times can sometimes help lift the mood.
Being aware of unhealthy thoughts that may pop up and don’t benefit you in times of adversity.

Now that you are aware of what makes someone resilient, what happens when you need to develop more resilience? What steps could you take?

Here are a few things to keep in mind:

Take care of yourself and treat yourself with respect, comfort & acceptance.
Try and be hopeful for the future no matter what the current circumstances. A positive outlook is very important.
Ask for support from friends or family
Look for opportunities of self-discovery. Adversity isn’t obviously welcomed but if something negative happens, look at how you handle it and learn something about yourself.
Accept that change is part of living
Make decisions or take actions when confronted with a difficult situation. Don’t avoid it!
Set small goals that are easy for you to reach. It doesn’t matter how small. The more you achieve, the better you will feel
If you are spiritual, use your faith to support you.Prayer or meditation can be very helpful
Journaling, blogging, art therapy or other therapies can also be useful in developing resilience.

I would love to hear your thoughts on resilience. Is there anything in particular that happened which improved your resilience? Do you think you are resilient or do you think you could develop better resilience?

♥ Athina