Boundaries protect us. Boundaries tell others what we are not comfortable with and what we don’t want. Boundaries remind others to respect us. What happens when you are dealing with a narcissist? Do they understand boundaries?
I just wanted to write a quick post today about how grateful I am to have reached 10,000 subscribers on my youtube channel.This is a milestone I never thought I would ever reach! My videos are most definitely not perfect or perfectly edited, yet the information I have been trying to get across is being reached!I am so glad the content I have been uploading has been helping so many people all over the world! Narcissistic/Sociopathic abuse is an epidemic and spreading awareness has been so important to me! This sort of abuse has been happening for far longer than any of us could imagine yet it has only been talked about in detail, in more recent years.
My video ‘Rules children follow in a narcissistic home’ has had over 670,000 views and has been my most validating video for so many children and adult children of narcissists! I still can’t quite believe how many people have been able to relate to the content on my channel!
Narcissistic parents on the other hand do the following:
Their needs have priority over those of the children.
They view their children as an extension of their own personal wishes, so the child’s individuality is diminished. They don’t nurture their childrens’ own thoughts, emotions or goals.
Their ego needs are unquenchable.
Due to their own low self-worth they put their childrens’ accomplishments down, so they can always remain on top (as smarter, more capable etc)
They are completely unaware of the grief or discomfort their children are experiencing and are not aware of when they have been neglectful or abusive towards their children.
They do not feel empathy, and they will only pay interest in the child if the child is achieving or giving them an ego boost.
Shame is at the core of a narcissistically run family, so they will shame, ridicule, tease or criticise their children often. They will also use guilt-tripping, blaming, negative comparisons, emotional blackmail and so much more!
They create codependent children and expect them to always look after them and cater to their needs & wants.
The parents are possessed by their narcissistic ego, and nothing the child ever does will be good enough. The child tries and tries, but never quite manages to receive their narcissistic parents’ love and affection.
When the child gives the narcissistic parent(s) enough of an ego boost and meets their ego needs, the narcissistic parent(s) will reward their child with approval. This approval, however, is not genuine love.
Children of narcissists grow up feeling unloved, ashamed, unlovable and inferior.
Children of narcissists grow up thinking that there is something seriously wrong with them, (because their parent wasn’t able to love them in a healthy way).
Children learn that the focus isn’t on them (as it should be) but on their narcissistic parent(s). They learn to painfully accept this although don’t know that this isn’t normal.
Children learn to do whatever their narcissistic parents want, in hope that their needs for love, comfort and approval are one day met. This approval seeking behaviour follows them into adulthood where they continue to people please to gain approval.
If you found this blog post helpful, please feel free to comment, share or like!
It’s been an extremely busy few days for me recently, which means my blog posts and youtube videos have had to take a back seat.
Work has been a priority, with little time for writing and reflecting.
I have also had an influx of emails from people needing immediate support dealing with narcissistic individuals. It always deeply saddens me to hear all the grief so many are currently experiencing and sometimes I wish I could just take all their pain away.
The ‘No contact’ question has been popping up a lot, so in this video I stress the importance of acceptance. Acceptance in this case, of the fact that a narcissist isn’t able to love or empathize and isn’t going to change and treat you better.
Once you manage to reach a place of acceptance through grief and talking with a professional, it is then easier to make the decision to go ‘no contact’.
Ending the stigma of mental health is still proving to be a challenge, although in the UK we are getting ever closer to our goal of a deeper understanding, tolerance & acceptance of the importance of talking about our mental health.
As somebody who has never known what life is like without mental health problems, I know how difficult it is to be open and honest about it..People are still uncomfortable with knowing what to say or not say..Even if they try to be understanding, deep down you can sense whether they get it or they don’t..
Every single one of us is touched by stress or anxiety at some point in our lives, whereas others live with it every day…I am one of those people who lives with chronic mental health problems..Complex PTSD isn’t something to be taken lightly..There are still so many moments in my life at the age of 34 that I still learn new things about myself that I am not able to do, that others would find incredibly easy to complete. The hypervigilance and overwhelm never goes away..The chronic fatigue never goes away..The low mood is always lingering in the background..The voice that says ‘you are just not good enough’, pops up a lot when I am working alongside others…
Self-care is so important in these moments and remembering to accept ourselves when we are struggling can make a world of difference!
Walking the same path as others with mental illness really helps people feel less alone..
All the wonderful people who ran the London Marathon raising money for Mental Health are simply incredible..
If you think about how much these runners must have battled with those nasty little voices inside their head, it makes you feel incredibly inspired. The voice of depression or the voice of anxiety is not an easy task to manage..but yet they did it, and in what an admirable way!
I am also blessed to have many friends & fellow bloggers who do so much to raise awareness about mental health! They have all been personally affected however and live with debilitating conditions themselves..
The most crucial part in my opinion of raising awareness, is to also hear more people talking about mental health that don’t have any personal experience with it..People that feel concerned about someone they know but just don’t know how to respond..People that are lucky enough to live with good mental health and are surrounded by people who aren’t that lucky..
If you have experience with ill mental health, stigma or intolerance, then please feel free to comment.
Lastly, I would also like to share my latest information video on defence mechanisms. I was having a bad day yesterday and couldn’t face the camera to film myself talk, so I came up with this instead.
I am hope you are enjoying your weekend and are generally doing ok.
Before I fly off to Scotland tomorrow, I wanted to upload Monday’s Youtube video early, as I won’t be able to work on it when visiting family.
This week’s video is about an abusive behaviour & defense mechanism that people with narcissistic personality disorder use very frequently.
Projection is something I experienced most of my life from my mother and it is something that was immensely painful.
This is the definition of Projection according to Wikipedia:
Psychological projection is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others. For example, a person who is habitually rude may constantly accuse other people of being rude. It incorporates blame shifting.
In today’s video, I talk about another type of child abuse known as parentification.
Parentification isn’t always through the known fault of a parent, as sometimes in single parent families or in families with a special needs child, the parent struggles to keep the needs of the child fulfilled appropriately. Sometimes, the parent may be also suffering from a severe disability such as a chronic condition or severe mental health difficulties, and it is only natural that the child may at times become a carer to the parent. This is especially true, if there isn’t an additional parent or family member around to support the child.
Unfortunately, in a family where 1 or both parents suffer with narcissistic personality disorder, this type of abuse is even more prevalent in both a physical and emotional way.
My video describes this in more detail:
If you have experienced parentification, then feel free to share your experience.
If you find this youtube video and blog post useful, then please like, share & subscribe.
Please support my youtube channel on my patreon page. There are exclusive patrononly videos on there, which are available specifically to those of you who contribute & become patrons.
You might have heard of the term infantilization but you may not realise how incredibly abusive it is when a parent does this to their child.
It is only natural for a growing child to start developing independent thoughts, actions and opinions. For a narcissistic parent this can be very threatening, as they want to continue controlling their child and use them for narcissistic supply.
Check out my video for an explanation of what infantilization is.
Some examples of infantilization are as follows:
A parent stops a teenager from socialising with friends or doesn’t allow them any privacy in their bedroom. The parent may still treat them as if they are a young child whereas a teenager needs growing independence and privacy.
A parent buys their child age-inappropriate clothing and/or arranges age-inappropriate activities.
A parent might not allow the child to speak for themselves, when they are asked a question directly by somebody else.
A parent might discourage the child from pursuing new interests as they don’t want the child to become more skilled at new things than they are.
If a parent isn’t able to have healthy relationships, they may try to influence the child against their choice of partner. They can’t allow their child to leave the family nest. The parent wants to continue their enmeshed relationship for as long as possible.
The effects of infantilization are as follows:
The adult child ends up having chronically low self-esteem
The adult child has difficulties academically
The adult child may find getting a job difficult
The adult child learns helplessness and enabling
The adult child may self-harm
The adult child may have poor social skills
The adult child may self-sabotage
The adult child may become avoidant
If you can relate to any of what I have written or said in the video, then please re-blog so it reaches more people.
Knowledge is power and with knowledge comes healing. To also further promote healing on a larger scale, I have recently signed up to patreon to further support my creations of videos, pdfs & hopefully in the near future, e-books.
Patreon is a platform that enables creators to reach new goals by having their followers & supporters fund their work.
If you find my videos & blog posts helpful, then please check out my patreon page.
It would mean the world to me to be able to reach more people and help them on their journey of recovery.
This is my 2nd attempt to write this blog post, after the last one was unfortunately lost. 😦
I hope you all had a good Christmas weekend and managed to relax and enjoy time with your loved ones. For those of you who find Christmas tough due to past trauma or dysfunctional relationships, you have just survived yet another Christmas, so give yourself a pat on the back and treat yourself to something you enjoy. The New Year is nearly here and with it comes new hope and a renewed sense of direction. 🙂
The following youtube video is 1 day late, due to the fact that I allowed myself a little time to relax over the last 3 days. I caught up on some much needed sleep and I started studying for my German exam (which is fast approaching).
In my own recovery back in 2008, I was introduced to the concept of letting go of relationships that no longer served me. I was introduced to the concept of emotionally detaching from a toxic person. Although at first this was extremely hard to do, with practice and with time, I slowly started making changes for the better. I started learning to put my self-care first and to set boundaries. I started noticing the repetitive patterns that were present in my relationships and I started questioning the reasons as to why I couldn’t choose healthier relationships. In my case, the narcissistically abusive background I come from, is what influenced my choice of abusive or unavailable partners, friends & even colleagues.
This video is for those of you who are just starting out in your recovery from dysfunctional relationships, so I really hope it helps ♥