npd – COURAGE COACHING

The sad truth about why narcissists form relationships

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Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder sadly lack empathy and don’t feel remorse. They are cold, calculating, manipulative and emotionally shallow.

Narcissists don’t form relationships with others like healthy people do. They don’t seek out partners to love and share their life with in an equal, loving and respectful way. They see people as objects that they use to satisfy their needs.

These needs are usually attention, an ego stroke, improved social status, shelter, money, sex or a combination of these. These needs sadly do not include love.

Narcissists attach themselves to their victims and slowly bleed them dry, either financially or emotionally or both. They are known as being “parasitic” in nature, as they literally leech off their victims to get their needs met.

When Narcissists first meet their victims, they trick them into believing that they are their soul mate. They present themselves as the perfect potential partner and they create an intensely emotional experience for the victim. They will pretend to be supportive, loving, romantic etc. so their victim falls for them fast. Once they have lured their victim in successfully, the mask slips and their true colours start to show.

By this stage, the victim has already invested himself/herself completely in the relationship. The victim hopes that the narcissist will return to being the loving and kind person that they were at the beginning of the relationship. This exact thought is what makes them stay in the relationship despite any abuse they may be experiencing.

It’s really hard to believe, and it’s even harder to accept, but narcissists are not able to love anyone in a healthy way or create healthy bonds.

Narcissists also thrive on the emotional pain they cause their victims, especially when they hurt them on purpose. They feel important when they abandon their victim suddenly and see how much suffering they cause. The more suffering they see in their victim, the more important they feel.

Narcissists cause their victims extreme psychological damage and they are left feeling depressed and traumatised. Recovery is a slow process for survivors of narcissistic abuse but luckily it is possible to recover and find healthy love in the future.

Thanks for reading!

If you think this post will help others, then please share it!

Love Athina ♥♥♥

© All blog posts and images are owned by me and Courage Coaching. Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.

The narcissist’s vortex

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Being in a relationship with a narcissist, whether that is a family member or partner, is like constantly being sucked into a vortex with no escape. Every time you think you are getting somewhere, you get sucked in deeper and deeper. Your confidence is constantly eroded, you start doubting your feelings and logic and the narcissist continues to do what he or she does best: Turning the tables on you everytime you have an argument.

They are masters at saying things like ” I never said that”, ”you are imagining things”, ”stop being so sensitive”, ” you hurt me way more than I hurt you” etc. …

Everything can & will always be used against you

Everything is always your fault

Everything is about how you hurt their feelings more than they hurt yours..

They are always one step ahead..

You will never win, you will never beat them..

The worst part is, that being in a relationship with a narcissist can become extremely addictive…

A trauma bond is created over time and the victim in this dysfunctional relationship clings onto the hope that the narcissist will become the positive person they remember from the beginning..The caring side that they were lured in with at the start, is what keeps them from walking away from the relationship..

If the relationship is with a narcissistic parent rather than a partner, then it is ever tougher for the adult child to break free..The trauma bond is even stronger, especially because a child’s love for their parents never dies and also because the brainwashing that goes on in the family home, is even more long-lasting and intense.

If you are in a relationship with someone whom you think is a narcissist and are starting to come around to this realisation, then please feel free to comment.

For support, please email me at courageisallyouneed@gmail.com

Love Athina ♥

Why is going ‘no contact’ so hard?

It’s been an extremely busy few days for me recently, which means my blog posts and youtube videos have had to take a back seat.

Work has been a priority, with little time for writing and reflecting.

I have also had an influx of emails from people needing immediate support dealing with narcissistic individuals. It always deeply saddens me to hear all the grief so many are currently experiencing and sometimes I wish I could just take all their pain away.

The ‘No contact’ question has been popping up a lot, so in this video I stress the importance of acceptance. Acceptance in this case, of the fact that a narcissist isn’t able to love or empathize and isn’t going to change and treat you better.

Once you manage to reach a place of acceptance through grief and talking with a professional, it is then easier to make the decision to go ‘no contact’.

Thanks for watching and reading

Love Athina ♥♥

Happy Monday!

Dear readers,

This post today is only a quick one. I thought I would share this week’s Youtube video which will also be shared on my Child Within blog, so it reaches more people. It is a Q & A video on narcissism and in this case, one of my viewers wanted to know whether narcissists are paranoid.

This is something I have had first hand experience with and I know how detrimental it can be to those that surround the narcissist. My father’s paranoia was incredibly magnetic and my husband and I, as well as his friends and colleagues, all got sucked into his overly paranoid outlook just before and after his suicide attempt.

If you have had to deal with narcissistic family or partners who were overly paranoid, please feel free to share your experience.

Love Athina ♥

What is hoovering?and why you have to protect yourself

A lot of my posts recently are dedicated to dealing with dysfunctional relationships. I don’t want to lower your mood by any means, but feel it is important to talk about issues that are more common than people think.

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For those of you who have unfortunately experienced dysfunctional relationships in your private life, you might have heard of the term ‘silent treatment’. People who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder, usually will shut people out that they are supposed to care about for long periods of time. This usually comes after an argument where the victim (spouse, partner, family member, friend) says or does something that the narcissist doesn’t like. This can be anything from a simple disagreement, to a criticism or to just refusing to do what the narcissist wants.

When the narcissist isn’t getting his/her way, he/she will use the ‘silent treatment’ to control his victim.

The silent treatment is a form of punishment, a way of attempting to control a partner or others into doing what he/she wants them to do. It’s a withdrawal of approval, and can generate much fear in people who are vulnerable to this.

Giving people the silent treatment means that a narcissist shuts down to them, closing his/her heart and refusing to interact with them or acknowledge their presence. He/she acts as if they’re invisible, not responding to them at all or giving them a very minimal and withheld response.

He/she hopes that in treating them this way it will give them the message that they have displeased him/her. They have done something wrong in his/her eyes and deserve punishment, deserve to have his/her “love” taken away.

Of course, what he/she is taking away is not love at all, since love is unconditional. What he/she is taking away is his/her approval, and for approval-dependent people, it is a powerful form of control.

When the narcissistic person decides that the silent treatment is over, usually because they need something from you again, they will then start to use what is known as ”hoovering”.

What is hoovering?

Hoovering is a technique that is named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, and is used by Narcissists (and other manipulative people) in order to “suck” their victims back into a relationship with them. Hoovering is often done after the silent treatment is given or the victim has left them. This behavior often starts off subtle and unassuming, and is done through voicemail, text messages, email, phone calls, notes, other people, or through any other form of possible communication with the victim. Because the Narcissist knows the victim’s weak spots, they will generally tend to target these areas in order to reopen communication. Once communication is reopened, the Narcissist generally promises change–which never, ever happens for any length of time.

Text messages pretending to be concerned: “How are you?”, “Hey, I’m thinking about you”, “I know things didn’t work out, but you really do mean a lot to me. I just want you to know that.”

Text messages acting like nothing happened: “Hey stranger, long time no talk” or “Hey what’s going on?”

Text messages on or about special occasions/holidays: “Merry Christmas”, “Hope you are having a good birthday–wish I could be there”, “Are you going to Molly’s wedding next weekend? If you’re going, I won’t go–I don’t want to upset you.”

Text messages about the kids (especially if they’re not his): “I was at the park today and saw a cute kid that looked just like Jason. Just wanted to say I miss you guys.” or “I know you hate me, but please tell Ava that I wish her a happy birthday and I’m sorry I can’t be there.”

Text messages about an upcoming event: “Hey, I know you said you never wanted to talk to me again, but Disney on Ice is this weekend, I was thinking about taking the kids.” or “Aerosmith is playing next weekend and I have an extra ticket–you wanna go?”

Text messages about things you like to do that he’s never been interested in doing with you before: “Hey, there’s a vegetarian cooking class this weekend, you wanna go?” or “Wanna go wine tasting this weekend?”

Text messages about bogus family illnesses or some sort of crisis (including his own): “I think I might have cancer, can you talk?” or, “OMG my mom just had a stroke.” or “What does a heart attack feel like? My left arm really hurts,” or, “I can’t handle this anymore, I’m going to kill myself.”

Text messages that are supposedly meant for someone else, but sent to you by mistake: “See you in ten minutes xoxo” (Supposedly for his current girlfriend–sent to upset you.) “The boss just moved the meeting to Wednesday at 3pm.” (Supposedly for his coworker–sent so you feel a sense of obligation for the coworker.) Or, “Sam called and said John is in the hospital and to call him immediately.” (Supposedly sent to someone else, but sent to you so you feel a sense of urgency to get back to him.)

Text messages that are guilt or pity inducing: “Can’t we work this out? Please give us another chance.” “What about the kids? You know how hard it is having divorced parents–why would you want to do that to them?” “I have a lot of issues. I get that now. I’ll get into therapy. I promise.” “My alcoholism is out of control. I need help.”

Text messages about sex/deep connection: “I miss snuggling with you.” “You always be the love of my life.” “You are my soul mate, I’m sorry I let you down.”

Text messages that attempt to flip the hoover back on you: “Did u just text me?” or “Did you just call me?” or “Did I just see you drive by?”

Text messages, when all else fails, making bogus accusations to get some type of emotional response: “Why are you calling my mom and bugging her?” or “I just found out you cheated on me.” “I’ve moved on. You need to quit stalking me.”

All of these examples are just one big fat manipulation for you to open the door and let them back into your life. Don’t fall for it!

Source: http://narcissistsupport.com/narcissists-hoovering-techniques/

So far, in my personal life I have had recent contact from my narcissistic father, after a year of the silent treatment. Luckily I have decided on ‘NO CONTACT’ and even though it is still incredibly painful to see how destructive and insensitive my father is, being in control of what happens has been incredibly powerful in my recovery.

I have received 2 voicemail messages so far : Wishing me Happy birthday and asking me how I am.

I haven’t replied to either of them, as I know he doesn’t genuinely mean them..

He using ”Hoovering” as I am the only person ‘he thinks’ will help him. He is abusing my unconditional love & kindness to get his needs met.

Luckily I am recovered and will no longer play a part in his games.

Have you had an experience similiar to this? If not, do you have any friends that might benefit from this information?

Please re-blog this post if you think it could help someone.

Love Athina ♥

The importance of self-reflection & self-awareness

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This quote speaks to me in so many ways..

Through coaching, I aim to guide people find their answers through enabling them to self-reflect on where they are at currently and where they want to be. Self-reflection is very important in the process of change, as is persistence (which I talked about in this previous blog post- The importance of persistence).

The driving force behind change, is when an individual is able to look at their current life and notice that there is something negative popping up for them. If we feel negative or sad about something, then this can be the one thing that pushes us to make lasting change. If we don’t have self-awareness however, we remain stuck in a sad or negative existence and just keep repeating the same mistakes or habits over and over again.

As a survivor of complex trauma, I luckily became self-aware from a young age. I noticed I was struggling more than other children at school and had really low confidence. I found it very difficult to focus on school work the older I got and when I hit 15 I was already very depressed.I used art & poetry as a way to self-soothe and manage my emotional pain and luckily sought therapy when I was 17.

Over the years, with extensive therapy, I learned to tap into my emotional self-awareness even more. I continued to question my choices and behaviours and realised that actually it wasn’t my fault I was so sensitive and depressed but actually that my parents were both narcissistic, specifically with NPD. I was diagnosed at 29 as having Complex Post Traumatic stress and was told by my therapist that I was incredibly resilient and able to self-reflect a lot more than most of her clients. I left the session that day happy to be someone with self-awareness and wouldn’t change this for the world!

Self-awareness is incredibly hard for people with NPD, as well as the ability to feel empathy for others. When a healthy individual hurts others and causes them distress, they usually genuinely apologise and try to make a change for the better. For people that are aware of their actions, of their flaws, are sensitive to their body sensations, sensitive to their health and are also able to make sensible choices, change comes more easily.

What are your thoughts? How destructive have you found people that lack self-awareness?What difficulties have you had? Are their times when it took you a few failed attempts to finally have an epiphany about an unhelpful behaviour you may have had?

Thanks for reading

Much love Athina ♥