Narcissists are notorious for wanting to always be in control of every situation, especially in close relationships. Sadly, this is happening more often than not, especially behind closed doors.
Many viewers have resonated with the content of this video sadly.
If you resonate with the content too, please feel free to leave a comment and share your experience.
What does it mean when narcissists give you the fleas?
Fleas comes from the adage “He that lieth down with dogs shall rise up with fleas”, which has been attributed to Benjamin Franklin. According to Wikipedia, the quote has an almost universally agreed meaning of “You should be cautious of the company you keep. Associating with those of low reputation may not only lower your own but also lead you astray by the faulty assumptions, premises and data of the unscrupulous”
When a victim has the fleas, it means that they have picked up behaviours of the narcissist. This is mainly because they have been exposed to the narcissist’s behaviours for a prolonged period of time and have ended up feeling helpless and hopeless.
The victim will look for ways to escape and sometimes will resort to behaviours which are not characteristic but serve as a way to demonstrate their anger and alleviate the powerlessness they have been feeling.
The good thing is, that victims that use narcissistic behaviours against their abusers, quickly back down and feel ashamed and remorseful. This shows that they don’t need to be afraid of turning into a narcissist themselves.
Some examples of getting fleas can be when a victim shows passive aggressive behaviours when feeling cornered or triggered by someone close to them.
They could also at times become aggressive towards a narcissistic partner or parent.
Lastly, they may even shout at their parent or partner and even end up calling them names.
These are just maladaptive behaviours that can be changed by being self-reflective and by asking a therapist for support. Victims of narcissistic abuse live with C-PTSD so they will not always be able to cope in a healthy way. They just need the right guidance to makes changes by turning unhealthy coping mechanisms into healthy ones.
If you have noticed the following red flags in a person close to you, then you need to take precautions. Below is a check list which you need to pay close attention to. The more of these you can relate to, the quicker you need to remove yourself from a relationship with such a disordered person.
Narcissists are everywhere and can be both male or female. They can be partners, family members, friends, teachers, managers, therapists, coaches, spiritual advisors, neighbours and any person in a position of power.
PATTERNS TO WATCH OUT FOR
You have a feeling something is wrong or feels off
Constant lying or exaggerating
No regards for rules or laws
Overly concerned with public image
Has too many chaotic relationships in their past
Never apologises
Makes excuses often
Poor financial management
No accountability
Destroyed relationships
No real friendships
Demands trust
Projects their feelings onto you
You feel uncomfortable or in danger
Aggressive/Passive Aggressive
Has double standards
Cheats in relationships
Blames others constantly
Controlling
Isolating
Two faced and hyper critical
Backstabber
Acts differently in private and in public
Drug or alcohol addict
Distorts facts to suit their needs
Plays the victim often
Insults, teases, smirks
Provokes and then blames
Creates circular conversations
Is shaming
Is condescending
Twists your words in arguments
Your feelings aren’t validated
They can have different personas around different people
They guilt-trip you
They thrive on drama
The thrive on causing you pain
They know how to push your buttons
They have to always be right
They can’t laugh at themselves
They belittle your accomplishments
They compete with you
They often gaslight you
They give you the silent treatment
They turn others against you including family
They alienate children from the other parent
They withhold attention or affection as a manipulation tactic
They give you inconsistent details of their past
They are ruled by money and want yours
They get bored easily
They are status orientated
They are self-centred and entitled
They have a big ego
They groom their victims
They badmouth their exes yet return to them to make you jealous
When meeting a potential partner they love bomb them.
They remember things you did years ago and bring them up in arguments
They rewrite history to suit them
Can pretend to be hyper-emotional so they can manipulate others
They might constantly correct you – nothing you do is ever right
If you think you are indeed dealing with a narcissist and need support, then please feel free to contact me. Detaching from or dealing with a narcissist is not an easy task, especially if they are a partner or family member.
If you feel you are in danger, then please contact your nearest Refuge or move to a location the narcissist doesn’t know about. Record all conversations if you can (stick to texts or emails) so nothing can be used against you.
Most of all, look after yourself. Self-care is extremely important!
It is important to see these rules, as if the narcissist was saying them directly to their partner. This will enable the victim (soon to be survivor) to relate in a more intense way and to get help to leave the narcissist.
After a long absence, due to my recent relocation back to the UK from Germany, I am ready to start working again and embrace the world of change and healing.
I have just created a new video for my youtube subscribers and I am very grateful to be back home, so I am able to take on more face to face clients. Although Germany was very international, not everyone I encountered spoke English well.
Now that I am home, it is truly lovely to be able to communicate effectively and clearly and to not have to worry about the language barrier. There are many more opportunities for me in the UK and I am very much looking forward to getting involved with charities that support narcissistic abuse survivors.
In this new video, I talk about the most common signs that you are dating a narcissist.
If you have had experience dating a narcissist, then you will relate to this video. If you are currently in a relationship and feel undermined and confused, then this video might help answer some questions.
If you need support, then please feel free to contact me or another mental health professional. Leaving a relationship where the other person may be a narcissist, is not the same as leaving a healthy relationship. It has to be done very carefully, with reliable support and a clear plan. Victims tend to develop signs of C-PTSD and can suffer greatly with depression & anxiety.
Some narcissists can become dangerous and physically abusive.
The relationship dynamics although similar in most cases, can have unique circumstances, where the abusive partner may also be physically or sexually abusive. In worst cases, the abuse is so severe, that the narcissist may even kill their partner.
Last but not least, trauma bonding makes it very difficult for the victim to leave their abuser so the right support is absolutely necessary.
Please share this blog post or video, if you think it will help someone!
The sad thing about healing from abuse is that many people who haven’t themselves been abused, can’t possibly understand the survivor’s journey.
Healing from abuse is unique to each individual who has experienced it. The survivor will be emotionally damaged and/or physically hurt and unfortunately this damage is sometimes irreversible. Abuse leaves behind scars unique to each survivor’s experience.
Although healing means that your mind and body are able to recover, this doesn’t mean that the person can return to being ‘normal’.
The aftermath of abuse is usually permanent.
There might be long-lasting Complex PTSD for those who suffered child abuse, human trafficking, kidnapping or other severe types of abuse.
For some individuals abuse might be all they have known. They don’t have a pre-trauma or pre-abuse identity. They might not know what it is truly like to feel safe.
To all survivors of abuse or trauma,it is very important to remember this:
It’s been an extremely busy few days for me recently, which means my blog posts and youtube videos have had to take a back seat.
Work has been a priority, with little time for writing and reflecting.
I have also had an influx of emails from people needing immediate support dealing with narcissistic individuals. It always deeply saddens me to hear all the grief so many are currently experiencing and sometimes I wish I could just take all their pain away.
The ‘No contact’ question has been popping up a lot, so in this video I stress the importance of acceptance. Acceptance in this case, of the fact that a narcissist isn’t able to love or empathize and isn’t going to change and treat you better.
Once you manage to reach a place of acceptance through grief and talking with a professional, it is then easier to make the decision to go ‘no contact’.
When a relationship starts off with subtle signs of possessiveness or teasing that undermines the partner, this may then escalate to full blown domestic violence.
When one partner is trying to control the other partner in ways that are sometimes confusing and feel uncomfortable, then this may then escalate to complete and utter isolation from family and friends.
Sometimes the signs in abusive relationships are so subtle, that it is difficult to tell if someone is going to end up being abusive or not. Abuse can only be emotional and mental in some relationships. It doesn’t necessarily have to be physical and sexual. In other cases, it can be a combination of mental, physical, sexual & financial abuse.
The video I did today is important for those of you who know someone you suspect may be in an abusive relationship.If you suspect that it is actually your partner that is abusive, then please get in touch and I can put you in contact with the appropriate charities and organisations that can help you.
Just a quick post about something that matters as equally as physical health.
We all live with mental health and mental illness can touch all of us at least once in our lifetime.So how openly do we talk about it and how easily do we feel uncomfortable mentioning our struggles to a co-worker, family member or friend?
I have encountered so many of the below unhelpful phrases from ignorant individuals, so for this reason, I will keep spreading awareness of the importance of validating someone’s struggles with their mental health.
Shame is caused by negative messages. The shame I am highlighting in this video is caused by dysfunctional parents. Shame is insidious and can have detrimental effects on the way we view ourselves and others.
This is something I am very familiar with as a survivor of narcissistic abuse and I want to highlight the cause of shame, so people can maybe identify with what might have been said to them as children and so they can find a way to move forward and heal.