The sad truth about why narcissists form relationships

angry-640314_1920

Those with Narcissistic Personality Disorder sadly lack empathy and don’t feel remorse. They are cold, calculating, manipulative and emotionally shallow.

Narcissists don’t form relationships with others like healthy people do. They don’t seek out partners to love and share their life with in an equal, loving and respectful way. They see people as objects that they use to satisfy their needs.

These needs are usually attention, an ego stroke, improved social status, shelter, money, sex or a combination of these. These needs sadly do not include love.

Narcissists attach themselves to their victims and slowly bleed them dry, either financially or emotionally or both. They are known as being “parasitic” in nature, as they literally leech off their victims to get their needs met.

When Narcissists first meet their victims, they trick them into believing that they are their soul mate. They present themselves as the perfect potential partner and they create an intensely emotional experience for the victim. They will pretend to be supportive, loving, romantic etc. so their victim falls for them fast. Once they have lured their victim in successfully, the mask slips and their true colours start to show.

By this stage, the victim has already invested himself/herself completely in the relationship. The victim hopes that the narcissist will return to being the loving and kind person that they were at the beginning of the relationship. This exact thought is what makes them stay in the relationship despite any abuse they may be experiencing.

It’s really hard to believe, and it’s even harder to accept, but narcissists are not able to love anyone in a healthy way or create healthy bonds.

Narcissists also thrive on the emotional pain they cause their victims, especially when they hurt them on purpose. They feel important when they abandon their victim suddenly and see how much suffering they cause. The more suffering they see in their victim, the more important they feel.

Narcissists cause their victims extreme psychological damage and they are left feeling depressed and traumatised. Recovery is a slow process for survivors of narcissistic abuse but luckily it is possible to recover and find healthy love in the future.

Thanks for reading!

If you think this post will help others, then please share it!

Love Athina ♥♥♥

© All blog posts and images are owned by me and Courage Coaching. Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.

Mental Health Awareness week

32ce6e_73173c5b28504cf4b73dd1f1d98bd913~mv2

Ending the stigma of mental health is still proving to be a challenge, although in the UK we are getting ever closer to our goal of a deeper understanding, tolerance & acceptance of the importance of talking about our mental health.

As somebody who has never known what life is like without mental health problems, I know how difficult it is to be open and honest about it..People are still uncomfortable with knowing what to say or not say..Even if they try to be understanding, deep down you can sense whether they get it or they don’t..

Every single one of us is touched by stress or anxiety at some point in our lives, whereas others live with it every day…I am one of those people who lives with chronic mental health problems..Complex PTSD isn’t something to be taken lightly..There are still so many moments in my life at the age of 34 that I still learn new things about myself that I am not able to do, that others would find incredibly easy to complete. The hypervigilance and overwhelm never goes away..The chronic fatigue never goes away..The low mood is always lingering in the background..The voice that says ‘you are just not good enough’, pops up a lot when I am working alongside others…

Self-care is so important in these moments and remembering to accept ourselves when we are struggling can make a world of difference!

Walking the same path as others with mental illness really helps people feel less alone..

All the wonderful people who ran the London Marathon raising money for Mental Health are simply incredible..

If you think about how much these runners must have battled with those nasty little voices inside their head, it makes you feel incredibly inspired. The voice of depression or the voice of anxiety is not an easy task to manage..but yet they did it, and in what an admirable way!

I am also blessed to have many friends & fellow bloggers who do so much to raise awareness about mental health! They have all been personally affected however and live with debilitating conditions themselves..

The most crucial part in my opinion of raising awareness, is to also hear more people talking about mental health that don’t have any personal experience with it..People that feel concerned about someone they know but just don’t know how to respond..People that are lucky enough to live with good mental health and are surrounded by people who aren’t that lucky..

If you have experience with ill mental health, stigma or intolerance, then please feel free to comment.

Lastly, I would also like to share my latest information video on defence mechanisms. I was having a bad day yesterday and couldn’t face the camera to film myself talk, so I came up with this instead.

Thanks so much for reading & watching!

Love Athina ♥

© All blog posts and images are owned by me and Courage Coaching. Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.

 

Psychological Projection-A defense mechanism that people with NPD use often

Dear friends

I am hope you are enjoying your weekend and are generally doing ok.

Before I fly off to Scotland tomorrow, I wanted to upload Monday’s Youtube video early, as I won’t be able to work on it when visiting family.

This week’s video is about an abusive behaviour & defense mechanism that people with narcissistic personality disorder use very frequently.

Projection is something I experienced most of my life from my mother and it is something that was immensely painful.

This is the definition of Projection according to Wikipedia:

Psychological projection is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others. For example, a person who is habitually rude may constantly accuse other people of being rude. It incorporates blame shifting.

I hope you find this video helpful.

Love Athina ♥

© All blog posts and images are owned by me and Courage Coaching. Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here

Parentification

In today’s video, I talk about another type of child abuse known as parentification.

Parentification isn’t always through the known fault of a parent, as sometimes in single parent families or in families with a special needs child, the parent struggles to keep the needs of the child fulfilled appropriately. Sometimes, the parent may be also suffering from a severe disability such as a chronic condition or severe mental health difficulties, and it is only natural that the child may at times become a carer to the parent. This is especially true, if there isn’t an additional parent or family member around to support the child.

Unfortunately, in a family where 1 or both parents suffer with narcissistic personality disorder, this type of abuse is even more prevalent in both a physical and emotional way.

My video describes this in more detail:

If you have experienced parentification, then feel free to share your experience.

If you find this youtube video and blog post useful, then please like, share & subscribe.

Please support my youtube channel on my patreon page. There are exclusive patron only videos on there, which are available specifically to those of you who contribute & become patrons.

https://www.patreon.com/AthinaEhlen

Love Athina ♥

© All blog posts and images are owned by me and Courage Coaching. Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.

 

Malignant narcissism

Although this isn’t an actual diagnosis in the DSM, it is very real and it is very destructive.

I have had first hand experience with someone who has this condition and I live with a very real mental illness that was caused by that person.

I made a quick video outlining the basics.

I hope you find it helpful.

Love Athina ♥

© All blog posts and images are owned by me and Courage Coaching. Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.

When to emotionally detach from a toxic relationship or situation

Hi everyone,

This is my 2nd attempt to write this blog post, after the last one was unfortunately lost. 😦

I hope you all had a good Christmas weekend and managed to relax and enjoy time with your loved ones. For those of you who find Christmas tough due to past trauma or dysfunctional relationships, you have just survived yet another Christmas, so give yourself a pat on the back and treat yourself to something you enjoy. The New Year is nearly here and with it comes new hope and a renewed sense of direction. 🙂

The following youtube video is 1 day late, due to the fact that I allowed myself a little time to relax over the last 3 days. I caught up on some much needed sleep and I started studying for my German exam (which is fast approaching).

In my own recovery back in 2008, I was introduced to the concept of letting go of relationships that no longer served me. I was introduced to the concept of emotionally detaching from a toxic person. Although at first this was extremely hard to do, with practice and with time, I slowly started making changes for the better. I started learning to put my self-care first and to set boundaries. I started noticing the repetitive patterns that were present in my relationships and I started questioning the reasons as to why I couldn’t choose healthier relationships. In my case, the narcissistically abusive background I come from, is what influenced my choice of abusive or unavailable partners, friends & even colleagues.

This video is for those of you who are just starting out in your recovery from dysfunctional relationships, so I really hope it helps ♥

200

Love Athina ♥

© All blog posts and images are owned by me and Courage Coaching. Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.

 

Question & Answer- YouTube videos

Today I am starting off my series of Q & A videos, where my viewers and subscribers are able to get their questions answered by me, in a video each week. Please feel free to ask me questions on the following topics:

  • Complex PTSD
  • Narcissistic abuse
  • Dysfunctional relatioships
  • Negative thinking
  • Dealing with emotional flashbacks
  • Anxiety
  • Depression
  • Trauma Bonding
  • Toxic shame
  • Codependency

I also am happy to answer questions on how to :

  • Better manage your time
  • Practice self-compassion
  • Develop resilience
  • Stop self-defeating thinking patterns
  • Better manage your workload
  • Build confidence
  • Set boundaries
  • Deal with toxic people

Here is the first video on a question asked by one of my viewers:

Please note: **I will always keep the identity of my viewers confidential**

Thanks for reading and watching

Love Athina ♥

© All blog posts and images are owned by me and Courage Coaching. Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.

 

4 tips before going ‘No contact’ with a narcissistic parent

If you are currently considering ‘No contact’ with a narcissistic parent, then this video might be helpful.

Love Athina ♥

© All blog posts and images are owned by me and Courage Coaching. Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.

Dealing with elderly narcissistic parents

As narcissists start ageing, things actually get much much worse.When they are no longer able to charm others with their good looks, good health & successful business, they start losing control over others and their mask starts to fall.

FontCandy (69)

Narcissistic people live their life as pathological liars and bullies, so as they age further, instead of maturing, they just get worse. They become more demanding, more cruel and more horrible in their elderly years.They still try to manipulate others but aren’t very good at remembering the lies they have told, so people  catch them out in their lies.Their immaturity and tantrums become even more evident and healthy colleagues,friends & family start distancing themselves even more.

If you are someone who is emotionally struggling with an ageing narcissistic parent, just remember that you don’t owe them anything. You didn’t ask to be born into a family that was abusive. You don’t have to look after them when they are dying or when they are seriously ill. As a healthy son or daughter, your love is unconditional so they might exploit that for their own gain and still treat you like crap.

No matter what you decide to do, don’t do it out of guilt or because you feel you owe them for providing you with food and shelter.

You always have the right to walk away and look after yourself first.It doesn’t mean you stop loving them. It just means that you put your own health first.

Love Athina ♥

© All blog posts and images are owned by me and Courage Coaching. Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.

What is hoovering?and why you have to protect yourself

 

A lot of my posts recently are dedicated to dealing with dysfunctional relationships. I don’t want to lower your mood by any means, but feel it is important to talk about issues that are more common than people think.

woman-74596_1920

For those of you who have unfortunately experienced dysfunctional relationships in your private life, you might have heard of the term ‘silent treatment’. People who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder, usually will shut people out that they are supposed to care about for long periods of time. This usually comes after an argument where the victim (spouse, partner, family member, friend) says or does something that the narcissist doesn’t like. This can be anything from a simple disagreement, to a criticism or to just refusing to do what the narcissist wants.

When the narcissist isn’t getting his/her way, he/she will use the ‘silent treatment’ to control his victim.

The silent treatment is a form of punishment, a way of attempting to control a partner or others into doing what he/she wants them to do. It’s a withdrawal of approval, and can generate much fear in people who are vulnerable to this.

Giving people the silent treatment means that a narcissist shuts down to them, closing his/her heart and refusing to interact with them or acknowledge their presence. He/she acts as if they’re invisible, not responding to them at all or giving them a very minimal and withheld response.

He/she hopes that in treating them this way it will give them the message that they have displeased him/her. They have done something wrong in his/her eyes and deserve punishment, deserve to have his/her “love” taken away.

Of course, what he/she is taking away is not love at all, since love is unconditional. What he/she is taking away is his/her approval, and for approval-dependent people, it is a powerful form of control.

When the narcissistic person decides that the silent treatment is over, usually because they need something from you again, they will then start to use what is known as ”hoovering”.

What is hoovering?

Hoovering is a technique that is named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner, and is used by Narcissists (and other manipulative people) in order to “suck” their victims back into a relationship with them. Hoovering is often done after the silent treatment is given or the victim has left them. This behavior often starts off subtle and unassuming, and is done through voicemail, text messages, email, phone calls, notes, other people, or through any other form of possible communication with the victim. Because the Narcissist knows the victim’s weak spots, they will generally tend to target these areas in order to reopen communication.  Once communication is reopened, the Narcissist generally promises change–which never, ever happens for any length of time.

  • Text messages pretending to be concerned: “How are you?”, “Hey, I’m thinking about you”, “I know things didn’t work out, but you really do mean a lot to me. I just want you to know that.”
  • Text messages acting like nothing happened: “Hey stranger, long time no talk” or “Hey what’s going on?”
  • Text messages on or about special occasions/holidays: “Merry Christmas”, “Hope you are having a good birthday–wish I could be there”, “Are you going to Molly’s wedding next weekend? If you’re going, I won’t go–I don’t want to upset you.”
  • Text messages about the kids (especially if they’re not his): “I was at the park today and saw a cute kid that looked just like Jason. Just wanted to say I miss you guys.” or “I know you hate me, but please tell Ava that I wish her a happy birthday and I’m sorry I can’t be there.”
  • Text messages about an upcoming event: “Hey, I know you said you never wanted to talk to me again, but Disney on Ice is this weekend, I was thinking about taking the kids.” or “Aerosmith is playing next weekend and I have an extra ticket–you wanna go?”
  • Text messages about things you like to do that he’s never been interested in doing with you before: “Hey, there’s a vegetarian cooking class this weekend, you wanna go?” or “Wanna go wine tasting this weekend?”
  • Text messages about bogus family illnesses or some sort of crisis (including his own): “I think I might have cancer, can you talk?” or, “OMG my mom just had a stroke.” or “What does a heart attack feel like? My left arm really hurts,” or, “I can’t handle this anymore, I’m going to kill myself.”
  • Text messages that are supposedly meant for someone else, but sent to you by mistake: “See you in ten minutes xoxo” (Supposedly for his current girlfriend–sent to upset you.) “The boss just moved the meeting to Wednesday at 3pm.” (Supposedly for his coworker–sent so you feel a sense of obligation for the coworker.) Or, “Sam called and said John is in the hospital and to call him immediately.” (Supposedly sent to someone else, but sent to you so you feel a sense of urgency to get back to him.)
  • Text messages that are guilt or pity inducing: “Can’t we work this out? Please give us another chance.” “What about the kids? You know how hard it is having divorced parents–why would you want to do that to them?” “I have a lot of issues. I get that now. I’ll get into therapy. I promise.” “My alcoholism is out of control. I need help.”
  • Text messages about sex/deep connection: “I miss snuggling with you.” “You always be the love of my life.” “You are my soul mate, I’m sorry I let you down.”
  • Text messages that attempt to flip the hoover back on you: “Did u just text me?” or “Did you just call me?” or “Did I just see you drive by?”
  • Text messages, when all else fails, making bogus accusations to get some type of emotional response:  “Why are you calling my mom and bugging her?” or “I just found out you cheated on me.” “I’ve moved on. You need to quit stalking me.”

All of these examples are just one big fat manipulation for you to open the door and let them back into your life. Don’t fall for it!

Source: http://narcissistsupport.com/narcissists-hoovering-techniques/

So far, in my personal life I have had recent contact from my narcissistic father, after a year of the silent treatment. Luckily I have decided on ‘NO CONTACT’ and even though it is still incredibly painful to see how destructive and insensitive my father is, being in control of what happens has been incredibly powerful in my recovery.

I have received 2 voicemail messages so far : Wishing me Happy birthday and asking me how I am.

I haven’t replied to either of them, as I know he doesn’t genuinely mean them..

He using ”Hoovering” as I am the only person ‘he thinks’ will help him. He is abusing my unconditional love & kindness to get his needs met.

Luckily I am recovered and will no longer play a part in his games.

Have you had an experience similiar to this? If not, do you have any friends that might benefit from this information?

Please re-blog this post if you think it could help someone.

Love Athina ♥

© All blog posts and images are owned by me and Courage Coaching. Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.