mental health – Page 6

Codependents & Narcissists in a relationship. Why are they so attracted to each other?

Happy Monday to all of you! It’s the 1st of August today and time seems to have flown by so quickly!

Today’s post is about another topic very close to my heart, due to my own healing journey from codependency to healthy love. It most definetely wasn’t easy to get to where I am. It required perseverance, determination and a little bit of hope.

To heal from dysfunctional relationships & codependency, there are 5 steps that are important to take.Having a therapist who specialises in healing from codepedency, is important in guiding you.

The first step is becoming AWARE that your choices or actions are dysfunctional.
The second step to changing dysfunction is understanding the source of the dysfunction, so where did it come from?
The 3rd step is grieving the loss of a healthy childhood. An abusive childhood usually leads to poor choices in relationships & life in general. Without a stable & nurturing childhood you never learn healthy love, healthy boundaries & your emotional regulation is damaged.
The 4th step is understanding the complexity of changing self-defeating behaviours & changing certain defense mechanisms, that protected you in your childhood but no longer serve you in adulthood. It takes time, patience and self-compassion.
The 5th step is actually trying out new relationships when you have made progress in your healing. You have to make a few more mistakes and discuss these with a therapist by your side, so you can see where you went wrong and how to improve this next time.

When I first found out I was codependent back in 2008, it was like the blindfold was taken off my eyes for the first time. Before learning this, I had a suspicion that something wasn’t right in my relationships but I had no idea how to change this.

I felt like I was in an emotional maze and had no idea which way to go. Everytime I thought I was making better choices in regards to who I was in a relationship with, the more unbearable the heartbreak became.I desperately wanted to be loved but wasn’t able to figure out this painful puzzle! At some point I was so exhausted from the traumatic end of each relationship & the subsequent self abandonment, that I decided to move countries! I wanted a new start…I hoped that I might meet my future husband if I moved away but I never in a million years thought I actually would..Sometimes you need a little bit of luck too!

When I moved back home to Greece after 11 years of living in the UK, I was met with more drama, a flare up of my CPTSD and a father who abandoned me over and over again. I was back in therapy again with a new therapist and was finally diagnosed with CPTSD. I was told both my parents were ’emotionally handicapped’ but that therapist never told me my parents were narcissistic. Maybe she decided at the time that it wasn’t relevant to me.

Despite this she looked after me very well. Each step I took into uncertainty, she held my hand.

I was also entered into a group psychotherapy group and it was extremely beneficial. I was in a group with 5 other people that also had similar backgrounds and it was very healing.

Support is crucial in healing. Without all this I would never have made progress.

The video above is a simple explanation (I hope) of the general dynamics of a codependent & narcissist in a relationship. Maybe you will see yourself in this and get curious. If you do, then please connect with me and I would be happy to have a chat with you.

Please feel free to re-blog this post so it reaches more people! Thank you 🙂

Much Love Athina ♥

5 tips to better deal with rejection

Rejection hurts, no matter what the context.

So how do you deal with it in a more constructive way?

Here are 5 tips that might be helpful:

If you never get rejected, it means that you aren’t pushing past your comfort zone enough. Being rejected means that you are putting yourself out there and that takes guts. Rejection acts as proof that you are pushing your limits.
When being rejected, it is much better to acknowledge and accept the emotions that come with the rejection rather than supress or ignore the emotions. It is better to feel the disappointment, sadness or frustration than try to run from it or make excuses to avoid the emotions.
Self-compassion is very important whenever we are having a hard time. To better deal with the rejection, make sure you are paying attention to the way you are talking to yourself. If you get rejected after a job interview and think ‘I will never get a job, I’m just not good enough’ then that doesn’t make you feel better does it? Instead re-frame your thinking to something more positive, such as ‘ That’s a shame, but I have plenty more chances and I am sure I can do better’.
Learning from rejection and asking yourself ‘What can I learn from this’?, is very useful for growth and for doing better next time.
Self-approval is the most important thing when being rejected. If you are comfortable and happy with yourself as a person, then somebody else’s rejection won’t sting as much, because at the end of the day you have yourself to turn to when things feel disappointing.

Love Athina ♥

Gratitude

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Today I am grateful for my healthy body, my loving husband and the organic homemade food that I made for my little family.

I am grateful for the stability in my daily life, the ability to write my blogs & create YouTube videos and the love I share with my friends and family.

No matter how awful your circumstances, there are always things to be grateful for ♥

What are you grateful for?

Love Athina ♥

Are you a chronic over-explainer?

Where does over-explaining stem from?

People naturally feel the need to make sure their point of view is clearly understood when in conversation with someone else. Nobody wants to be misunderstood when expressing an opinion or thought.

What happens however when someone feels the need to always over-explain something?

Is this something that stems from an underlying anxiety, that they will be misunderstood?

Yes

Is this also something that happens because in the past they might have been misunderstood quite a lot and for this reason they have to make sure it doesn’t happen again?

Absolutely..

Does over-explaining ever make you think, that the person doing the over-explaining, must think that the person they are over-explaining to must be stupid. Does this make sense?

I have been on both sides of this. I have over-explained to someone who got what I was saying from the first sentence and said I didn’t need to explain further. They said, I am not stupid, I get it. I have also been over-explained to and could immediately tell that the other person was anxious and insecure about something.

In my experience, many individuals who suffer from low self-esteem or people-pleasing, have an almost compulsive need to over-explain. This usually stems from childhood abuse, where either 1 or both parents were unable to meet the child’s needs and were unable to understand the child’s feelings. If parents don’t have empathy, are self-centered and dont have the ability to genuinely listen and understand, then a child will chronically feel frustrated, misunderstood and alone.

Have you ever tried to explain a simple concept such as sadness or feeling alone to a person who lacks empathy?

The reply is usually uncaring and hurtful.

Have you ever tried to reason with someone who has a low IQ and has intellectual disabilities?

They are not able to understand certain simple concepts because they just aren’t able to and if you insist on trying to make them understand, you can make yourself feel crazy with frustration.

When does over-explaining become chronic?

This usually happens when someone is unable to simply state something, that doesn’t need explaining, to someone who hasn’t even asked for an explanation. It becomes chronic when a person feels the need to explain in great detail and repeats themselves over and over again.It becomes chronic when it is a habitual thing that someone does all the time, even with people that are understanding and empathetic.

The particular thing I would like to highlight in this post, is that over-explaining becomes habitual for people who have suffered narcissistic abuse. If you are constantly around someone who makes you doubt yourself by gaslighting you, who doesn’t validate and understand your feelings and always tries to manipulate you, then it is only natural that you will be chronically frustrated when communicating..

I would love to hear your thoughts on this..

© All blog posts and images are owned by me and Courage Coaching. Please don’t use without consent and only re-blog if you would like to use the information on here.

Much Love Athina ♥

Existential Depression in Gifted adults

Existential depression is a topic I would like to write about today, as it might be useful to some of you who might be feeling depressed and don’t know why. My darling husband has been struggling with this for quite awhile and it is currently affecting our holiday.I just wanted to shed some light on a topic that many people experience but isn’t talked about much.

Existential Depression is very common amongst highly gifted adults and is defined as:

” A depression that arises when an individual confronts certain basic issues of existence. Yalom (1980) describes four such issues (or “ultimate concerns”)–death, freedom, isolation and meaninglessness.”

Source:http://sengifted.org/archives/articles/existential-depression-in-gifted-individual

Gifted adults usually start to experience this in young adulthood and it includes feelings of:

Isolation
Meaninglessness
Lack of focus and direction
Alienation

Existential depression is generally understood to be caused by personal, environment and professional mismatches: Typically
A gifted adult’s inability to find a place and/or relationships where “deeper issues” and “bigger problems” can be shared, explored and mastered. This includes the difficulty gifted young adults have in finding inspiring mentors and coaches with whom they can identify
These deeper issues and bigger problems can be:
Social/political
Moral/ethical
Aesthetic/artistic
Spiritual/religious
Philosophical

Rarely described elsewhere but often expressed by our gifted adult patients are other causes of existential depression:
The meaninglessness of accomplishments and achievements
Precocious and impressive as they may be to others, success that occurs without serious challenge and effort can feel worthless
Resolving conflicts between the need for personal gain and the desire to be altruistic:
Feelings of pride, pleasure and the financial rewards that come from actual hard work can conflict with the need to help others and make meaningful social contributions
Conflicts and anxieties about becoming a leader:
Admiration and praise of parents, peers, teachers and even mentors can make a gifted adult feel “too powerful.” This is especially true of gifted young adults who may feel this unusual power is “too much” and has come “ too soon”
Working out fears about the use and misuse of the power and charisma that can often accompany giftedness is vital — unwarranted feelings of guilt can cause the passionate pursuit of a grand vision to feel empty and meaningless
Balancing time for private thought and investigation with the need for social contact with others is an important task
Finding a way to depend on others that does not seem false
Getting comfortable with the intuitive ( sometimes called “extra-cognitive”) aspects of giftedness.
Special abilities to see beyond the ordinary and the capacity for having immediate and spontaneous insights can make gifted adults feel detached, removed and strangely different from others.
For a detailed discussion of the “extra-cognitive” aspects of Giftedness please go to ( create link to the Psychodynamic Psychotherapy article p.117 )
The capacity for unusual insight may extend beyond the academic and artistic to the psychological: At times gifted individuals feel they can “see” beyond social facades and understand what “really” motivates other people. This capacity can begin to develop in childhood and become quite sophisticated in young adulthood but it can also make a gifted young adult feel guilty: possibilities for helping other people can get confused with possibilities for manipulating them. Resolving these conflicts is important so that gifted adults do not abandon their giftedness by concluding that it is too dangerous.

Source: http://psychotherapyservicesforthegifted.com/personality-characteristics-gifted-children-gifted-adolescents-gifted-adults.html

From the above source, you can see that there are specialist psychotherapists that deal with the difficulties gifted adults have, but I must admit that in regards to my husband finding support, it hasn’t been easy.

From my experience, encouraging him to do the things he loves the most, helps his overall mood.

Do you have any experience with someone who suffers with existential depression?

Or are you maybe someone yourself who struggles with it.

I’d love to hear your thoughts

Love Athina ♥

The stages of healing-Victim, Survivor, Thriver

For those of you healing from child abuse (narcissistic abuse), this video includes the differences between each healing stage, as listed by Barbara Harris & Charles Whitfield. I found this very useful in my own healing. I am luckily mostly thriving now, with the exception of a few hiccups, here and there. Where do you see yourself on your journey of recovery?

If you find this video useful in any way, then please share on social media ♥

Love Athina ♥

Dealing with elderly narcissistic parents

As narcissists start ageing, things actually get much much worse.When they are no longer able to charm others with their good looks, good health & successful business, they start losing control over others and their mask starts to fall.

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Narcissistic people live their life as pathological liars and bullies, so as they age further, instead of maturing, they just get worse. They become more demanding, more cruel and more horrible in their elderly years.They still try to manipulate others but aren’t very good at remembering the lies they have told, so people catch them out in their lies.Their immaturity and tantrums become even more evident and healthy colleagues,friends & family start distancing themselves even more.

If you are someone who is emotionally struggling with an ageing narcissistic parent, just remember that you don’t owe them anything. You didn’t ask to be born into a family that was abusive. You don’t have to look after them when they are dying or when they are seriously ill. As a healthy son or daughter, your love is unconditional so they might exploit that for their own gain and still treat you like crap.

No matter what you decide to do, don’t do it out of guilt or because you feel you owe them for providing you with food and shelter.

You always have the right to walk away and look after yourself first.It doesn’t mean you stop loving them. It just means that you put your own health first.

Love Athina ♥

Trauma bonding & love addiction

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In all my previous relationships, I always thought that intensity equaled love. I fell for the same abusive partners over & over again, that were mostly narcissistic & emotionaly unavailable. I had this deep desire within me, to fix and rescue and fight for their love. For many years I thought this was normal! In each relationship, I hoped that they would change and be able to offer me this unconditional love I was so desperately craving. What I didn’t realise at the time however, was that I was only trying to fill the void my parents’ had left after years of neglect and abuse. I was trying to resolve this feeling of not being lovable, through choosing further unsuitable partners that resembled the normality of my childhood abuse.

Each time a relationship ended I felt utterly crushed and devastated. I relived my abandonment over and over again and still had this intense feeling of bonding with each and every one of my abusive ex’s.

The article in the link below, explains this bonding very well.

The part where it says ”there is a biological craving for intensity than no normal relationship will satisfy” is something that I deeply felt for 20 years and could never shake off..The more excited and addicted I felt to these men, the better..

I was always easily bored and not in any way attracted to healthy & stable men..I felt anxious and uncomfortable around them..This wasn’t my normal..I wasn’t normal..I was traumatised and stuck with what felt comfortable..and unfortunately comfortable for someone who has suffered abuse and trauma, is to crave more abuse and trauma..Sticking with what is familiar is more comfortable than doing something that feels unfamiliar, as us humans are creatures of habit & conditioning.

Growing up in an unsafe home makes later unsafe situations have more holding power. This has a biological basis beyond any cognitive learning. It is trauma in one’s history that makes for trauma bonding. Because trauma (and developmental trauma or early relational trauma is epidemic) cause numbing around many aspects of intimacy, traumatized people often respond positively to a dangerous person or situation because it makes them feel. It is neither rational nor irrational.

..the survivor can come to find that it can be almost impossible to relate to anyone, even family or old friends, except superficially. There is a biological craving for intensity that no normal relationship will satisfy.

http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Survivors/trauma_bonding.html

When I was first diagnosed as codependent in therapy, in 2008, I started attending a codependents anonymous group in London. I found it helpful inititially when I was recently out of a relationship but as time went on, my therapy was enough. Through the codependent meetings I also learnt about love addiction and being addicted to the need for love..This is something that I remember from the very young age of 13 where I would fantasize about my prince charming taking me away from my family and giving me everything I needed emotionally..As I got older, this intense need transformed into the most important thing in my world..Each boyfriend I subsequently had, became my everything and I felt completely hopeless and depressed without them..

This link below might be useful for some of you to identify whether you might be a love addict..This usually stems from childhood abuse, so don’t be too harsh on yourself! Healing is possible!

https://www.addiction.com/addiction-a-to-z/love-addiction/love-addiction-101/

In 2012 I was healed enough to be attracted to a healthier partner.With the help of more therapy I persevered through the anxiety of unfamiliarity and eventually got married. Marriage was something I was completely against after my parents got divorced.I never believed I could achieve healthy love let alone a marriage. I am still amazed at how much my life has changed. In 2008 I thought that life would never get better again..Now I sit across my husband and feel incredibly blessed to be loved and cherished for the first time in my life..My friends always felt more like family and I can truly say that I finally have a family in my friends and husband.

Any recovery process requires effort, patience and self-insight. It requires commitment, painful exploration and courage. It is possible to reach a deeper level of contentment, so each step forward is extremely important..

My experience is vast in regards to relationship dynamics and overcoming narcissistic abuse. I am humbled to offer loads of advice on this blog and through my YouTube videos, as I believe that it is important to assist others on their journey. We all heal together..and we can all help each other..Whether some of you are only just starting your recovery process and whether others are ‘healed’, makes no difference..The connection and knowledge is crucial..The exchange of information is powerful..

Love Athina ♥

Tips on setting boundaries

A useful video for those of you who have trouble saying ‘No’ to others and have a general difficulty in setting boundaries.For those of you who had an abusive childhood, boundaries would have been invaded very often and you wouldn’t have been able to defend yourself. Now that you are an adult you ‘CAN’ protect yourself and practice self-care whenever you need to. It doesn’t matter if it is a family member, partner or best friend. Setting boundaries is essential for good psychological well being!

Much Love Athina ♥

Coaching takes courage

This new coaching chapter in my life is giving me great joy and fulfillment. It isn’t something I ever really imagined myself doing a few years ago and now that I am, I am very much enjoying the interaction with people on a one to one basis. I know how much courage is required to push yourself towards achieving a goal or changing something in your life and deciding to have coaching or therapy, is exactly that, courageous!

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This blogging platform has been immensely enriching for me both personally through my other blog and also professionally through the creation of this new one.I see a lot of myself in some of my coachees and fellow bloggers/followers and it is wonderfully humbling to be able to make a small difference, through own experience. In the ones that I don’t see myself in, I learn alot about the difficulties that different personality types may have and this is proving to be a great way to widen my knowledge even further on certain subjects. The thing that I am particularly enjoying at the moment, is that I can also use my skills to help close friends. I enjoy helping people from all walks of life but it makes me even happier to know that I can help the special people in my life as well. Isn’t this something you can all relate to? Helping out a dear friend? For those of you who agree, the fulfillment you gain from this is priceless.

I’d like to talk a little bit about my last job, before I moved to Germany from Bournemouth, England. This is something I mention in the ‘About me’ link of this blog but I just want to talk about it in a little more detail.When I used to work as a Healthcare assistant in an End of Life care home, that is when I realised that I really enjoyed helping people. When I went home after a long day, I knew I was making a difference in a small way and that made my work so important to me. It didn’t matter that I was earning such a low wage, as the smiles of gratitude on the residents’ faces meant so much to me. I worked 12 hour days, barely got a chance to sit down and had to help 10-12 residents with only one other assistant to help me.We were always rushed off our feet and sometimes it was incredibly hard to shower and dress the residents, when 2 or 3 other bells were going off at the same time. Each bell represented a resident who was calling for the toilet, needed help with getting out of bed or who was wanting their breakfast.This was physically & mentally exhausting. It was incredibly tough work, especially because you are someone who cares so deeply and you want to make sure you are helping every resident in an equal and respectful manner.There was never enough time and that is something that bothered me deeply. I enjoyed taking my time with each resident, as that is what I would want myself, if I was in their position.

When you help somebody in such an intimate way and learn their routines, day in day out, it is inevitable you will get attached in some small way. It taught me a lot about patience, inner strength, resilience and practicing self-care. It also taught me a lot about trying to brighten someone’s day a little, making them as comfortable as possible and telling them stories about my own life. These residents needed something else to think about, rather than their own aches and pains. It is difficult to know you are near the end of your life and the only thing you have to look forward to is chatting to the person who cares for you, helps you get dressed & washes you. I got so much from helping these people, as I know that one day I will be the same. I might be alone, with no family left and any attention or communication I get, will give me strength. It is incredibly important to help people sustain their dignity, as every person who grows old was someone’s mother, sister or daughter.When residents you grow closer to over the months, eventually pass away, you feel devastated but also relieved that they aren’t suffering anymore. The bond you develop is unique, especially when you are also the carer who might have to clean and wash the resident after they have actually passed.

Due to my own struggle with Complex PTSD, I had many vivid dreams after I left this job and moved to Germany with my husband. I worried about the remaining residents, wondered how they were doing and learnt of the many changes in their lives. Some of them were now no longer able to walk at all, others passed away and I wished at times that I could have visited again. Living in Germany unfortunately made this too difficult.

Unfortunately, I also had experience working alongside many other carers who were narcissistic bullies! I couldn’t believe how these people could work in such a job! Their empathy was incredibly fake, as they enjoyed making myself and other friends/colleagues feel small & unimportant.They derived great pleasure from criticising carers in front of the residents, so they could appear better and more in control. They lied to the manager, fabricating stories about myself and other carers because they must have felt threatened by our caring & genuine demeanour. They acted in a racist manner towards one of my Romanian friends/carers and I must admit, it took a lot of strength to ignore them and keep working there. Having Complex PTSD which is a direct result of growing up with Narcissistic parents, meant that working alongside other narcissistic bullies, triggered many uncomfortable feelings. However, knowing who I truly am and ignoring the nastiness of these people, kept me going. Helping the residents was more important than listening to small minded and shallow people.

In my new work, I am very happy to have the freedom to help others in a safe and nurturing way, without the outside distraction of narcissistic bullies. Hurrah!

As a narcissistic abuse survivor, I can tell when someone has low confidence & needs support in developing self-belief. I know this feeling very well myself, through personal experience. I also know how important it is to encourage ‘realistic goal attainment’, rather than trying to achieve something that might be too big a goal.I feel happy to encourage self-compassion and to help people achieve things in small steps, suited to their capabilities. Especially if the clients suffer from debilitating mental illness, it is all about making their lives more manageable by encouraging self-acceptance and by creating plans that suit their daily routines. Having had depression myself, I know how it feels to struggle with every passing hour.You are definetely not alone and nobody should have to feel like they aren’t achieving anything!

I am really interested in finding out what you gain satisfaction from in your life? Is it your work? or your role as a parent? Do you enjoy being a husband/wife? or maybe you are a mum/dad to a furry friend? If you don’t work but volunteer instead, then I’d love to hear about it..

Whatever it is in your life that gives you joy and a sense of fulfillment, then feel free to share your experiences..

If you are someone who suffers from a mental or physical illness, maybe just getting through the day is an achievement in itself! Please let me know if this is something that you are proud of and if not, then I encourage you to try..

Much Love Athina ♥