A lot of my followers on this blog and also subscribers from my youtube channel keep coming to me with the same question ‘How do I heal from childhood abuse?’.
Although this is something I have already addressed previously, I have decided to actually explore this in as much detail as I possibly can.
I will address this with reference to my own recovery journey and also by looking at research done by psychologists, psychotherapists and trauma specialists such as Pete Walker, Wilhelm Reich, Dr Bessel Van Der Kolk and many more.
Healing from childhood abuse isn’t a simple process. It takes a huge amount of courage, inner strength & resilience. It requires a willingness to become more self-aware of our own dysfunctional coping mechanisms, that we may have learnt from our primary caregivers.
If our parents were high on the narcissism spectrum, we will have endured years of all or some of the following:
- neglect
- hypercriticism
- parentifying
- infantilising
- pathological envy
- blaming
- patronising
- mood swings
- pathological lying
- aggression or passive aggression
- gaslighting
- controlling behaviour
- emotional blackmail
- scapegoating
- silent treatment
- shaming
- invalidation
- isolation
- intimidation
- verbal abuse
- sexual abuse
- physical abuse
- engulfment
Living in a household with abuse, causes the child to develop Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
Complex post traumatic stress disorder is a more severe form of PTSD and has the following 5 features:
- Toxic shame
- Self-abandonment
- Emotional flashbacks
- A extremely harsh inner critic
- Social anxiety
Emotional flashbacks are the most characteristic part of CPTSD. They are sudden and sometimes prolonged age regressions to the overwhelming feelings of being abused or neglected as a child. Emotional flashbacks don’t have a visual component. These flashbacks do however include an overwhelming feeling of fear, shame, alienation, abandonment, depression and emotional pain. They can range in intensity from subtle to unbearable.
Toxic shame is the when an individual has an overwhelming feeling that they are flawed, loathsome or stupid. It completely destroys a person’s self-esteem and causes the person to abandon themselves emotionally. This creates a feeling of hopelessness and helplessness.
The inner critic is the internalised punishing voice of our abusive parent. If we had a parent who was a bully and constantly called us names such stupid, pathetic, too sensitive, ugly etc, then we will have this voice within us, even if our abusive parent isn’t in our life anymore. It will be a habitual inner bully that punishes us instead of supports us.
Other symptoms of CPTSD are:
- Feelings of loneliness and abandonment
- Fragile self-esteem
- Attachment disorder
- Developmental Arrests
- Relationship difficulties ( Fear of forming relationships or forming relationships that are too dysfunctional)
- Hyper-arousal / extreme flight/fight response
- Suicidal ideation
- Oversensitivity to stress
- Dissociation
- Exhaustion
- Body armouring (which involves tensing of muscle tissue whenever stress or emotion is experienced. To protect itself, the body takes a defensive, tight, and stiff stance. On a tissue level it enters into a muscular holding pattern that resists change and release. Unexpressed emotions such as anger, fear, and grief are common causes of this phenomenon. This was first described by psychologist Wilhelm Reich).
- Impulsivity
- Inappropriate anger
The stages of recovering
To recover from abuse and trauma, we must first educate ourselves on a cognitive level. We must understand that we most likely suffer with CPTSD and that it isn’t our fault that we are suffering. We have to put the blame where it belongs – to our abusive primary caregivers.
Secondly we must find a qualified therapist/specialist coach that will help us with the very difficult task of shrinking the inner critic. The inner critic can be a very difficult part of recovery to tackle, as the negativity from this critic has become automatic over our lifetime. It may take a long time to stop the inner critic from affecting us. Constant awareness of when the critic is present will help us stop him in his tracks and try and replace the negative criticisms with positive affirmations and self-compassion.
The next step in recovery is verbal ventilation and the very painful process of grieving our childhood losses. Verbal ventilation is when we speak in a way that releases our painful emotions with a safe person. Grieving our childhood losses means that we actually allow ourselves to cry, be angry and really feel the deep pain of not having had healthy parents. Grieving can take a long time and can sometimes last for a couple of years. In grieving, it is important for us to also grieve our loss of self-esteem and safety.
Once we have successfully grieved, we then must deal with the feelings of abandonment via somatic healing and via learning how to become self-compassionate in moments of depression or anxiety.
Lastly, we will need help with dissecting all our defences, especially those that no longer serve us. We may have picked up defences and behaviours from our abusive parents that are dysfunctional and we will now need support in stopping these defences and practicing more healthy ways of coping.
A very important part of recovery is to learn how to be patient with our progress, as sometimes it isn’t straightforward. Recovery is a journey and self compassion is crucial.
A great mantra according to Pete Walker, is
‘Progress not perfection’
Expecting perfection in recovery isn’t going to help us move forward..
Progress however is key!
Thanks for reading!
Love Athina ♥
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