mental health – Page 7

Low self-esteem & emotional flashbacks

Healthy self-esteem is essential for good psychological survival. It enables us to feel more fulfilled and secure in our choices, career paths and relationships. When this is lacking however and also goes unchecked, it may lead to mental health issues such as anxiety and depression, sometimes with tragic results.

Perhaps the most well known effect of abuse is low self-esteem.

Low self-esteem means that we have a persistent feeling of worthlessness. It also means that we have a habit of judging & rejecting ourselves constantly which causes us a huge amount of emotional pain. This emotional pain, is something that people with normal levels of self-esteem can’t possibly understand.

For those of us who grew up in abusive homes, this was a daily part of our lives and we considered it to be the norm. We intrinsically felt bad when we weren’t able to do something right, such as get good grades at school or be good at sports.We hated taking part in anything competitive, we always avoided the limelight and hated participating in class conversations, for fear of making a fool of ourselves.We avoided any situation or person who made us feel rejected, hurt and vulnerable.The core of this lack of self-worth was due to our parents telling us on a constant basis that we were not good enough, not smart enough, not lovable enough etc..The more constant and long lasting this was throughout our childhood, the more destructive the damage.This then stays with us for life, unless we have years and years of therapy.Even though most of us are intelligent and full of potential, our nasty inner critic tells us we aren’t good enough.This self-hate, sabotages any chance we may have of making something a success, before we even try it. We actually avoid trying things, to avoid the possibility of failing. To others, this may seem ridiculous. To those of us who have suffered abuse, this isn’t ridiculous at all. We have already suffered a huge amount of emotional pain in childhood which then continued into adulthood. Some things we can heal in therapy but others might be a bit more challenging, as they are so deeply ingrained in us.

For those of us with low self-esteem, we might notice that as we begin a new project or work on some goal, things begin smoothly and we are filled with optimism. After a little while, however, things start getting harder, we get worried and we start to beat ourselves up.This process repeats itself as we move forward with our goal so that it seems like we’ll never reach it.Too many of us give up at some point because we’re overwhelmed by the feelings of worthlessness.The minute we make a mistake, we fall apart emotionally. In a sense, it gets even harder as we move closer to the goal because during times when things are moving ahead smoothly, we get our hopes up. low selfesteem

This sort of dynamic is what happens after abuse. Although most people are able to deal with obstacles, an abuse history can lead others to feeling overwhelmed by feelings of worthlessness. Most people understand that an obstacle to a goal is part of the process, no matter what creates it, whereas for abuse survivors, an obstacle may be seen as a challenge to our self-esteem, proof that we mess everything up, that we’re not capable as others are. These dark feelings can overwhelm us so much that we give up.

Another effect of abuse, that is linked to low self-worth, is when we have an emotional flashback. In adulthood, a tone of voice, a firm look or a certain opinion about something we have or haven’t done, may trigger us into an emotional flashback of when our abusers told us we couldn’t do something and made us feel worthless. Some ‘red flags’ of an emotional flashback, are when we overreact to a present situation because it brings up feelings from the past. These feelings completely hijack us and it is very hard to control them or realise they are actually from the past.We are usually also overcome by feelings of helplessness & hopelessness and a lot of the time they can be linked to feeling worthless.An emotional flashback can be hugely emotionally painful and once again, others have no idea why we are so upset.

So how do you manage chronic low self-esteem?

Since chronic self-esteem is caused by the vicious inner critic that our abusive parents created in us, we have to learn ways to silence this critic. This critic tells us all the horrible things that our parents made us feel when we were younger.

We have to learn to become aware of it and every time we think a destructive thought, we have to stop it. We have to challenge the negative thoughts that pop up dailyand say ”Stop it” or ”That’s a lie” or ”Your father was wrong, you aren’t worthless”.We also have to give ourselves small challenges that we can work towards. The more we are able to achieve, the better we will slowly feel about our ourselves. The more evidence we start to see of ourselves actually being more adventurous or more successful, the better we will slowly feel about ourselves. This takes a lot of persistence, effort and help from a coach or therapist.

If you are interested about how to cope with emotional flashbacks then please check out my post here: https://couragecoaching.wordpress.com/2016/06/10/child-abuse-complex-ptsd-managing-emotional-flashbacks/

Thanks for reading

Much love Athina ♥

Our life reflects the way we feel inside

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How strongly do you believe this to be true?

I believe it is extremely important to treat ourselves with compassion, patience and love.

It is extremely important to replace negative thinking with more positive, constructive thinking.

I believe we must at all times acknowledge our mistakes, acknowledge our emotions and accept that we will attract what we believe about ourselves.

If we believe we are worthless, we will attract people that will treat us badly.

If we believe that we don’t deserve love, then we will attract people who will abandon us.

We have to notice our thoughts, notice our emotions and slowly make changes.

Change can be uncomfortable at the beginning, but it gets easier in time.

Start creating new positive habits in your life, to replace the old destructive ones.

Accept that you are flawed, as all humans have flaws. If your flaws are something that you can change, then change them. If you hurt someone, then make sure you tell them you are genuinely sorry.

If you do find that there are people in your life that treat you badly, then let them go.

Look after yourself first and the rest will fall into place.

Much Love Athina ♥

Narcissistic abuse survivors

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As some of you already know, I have great insight into narcissistic abuse, after a tumultuous life with 2 narcissistic parents, many narcissistic ex-partners and narcissistic ex friends. Before my father discarded my mother in 2000 and filed for divorce, he had already met his second narcissistic wife. He had already lined her up to fill his emptiness and later had a child with her. The cycle of abuse unfortunately continued and there was nothing I could do to prevent it.He has been married to her for 16 years now and it has been the most destructive, soul destroying relationship I have ever witnessed.

My histrionic/covert narcissistic mother, on the other hand, luckily didn’t re-marry. She just had 2 relationships which didn’t work out.She has remained irritable, negative and critical. She still blames everything & everyone else for her misery and struggles to cope with her own depression.

My childhood in general was always hot & cold.One minute things were relatively normal and my parents would be kind & thoughtful and the next they would be extremely hurtful & abusive. This almost made coping with the abuse harder, as the kind moments would give me hope as a child and then when the abusive moments would come around, I was utterly devastated and confused. I then learnt that whenever my parents were kind, there were always strings attached to this kindness. I was told many times as a child ‘After everything I have done for you, this is how you treat me?’. I felt guilty and ashamed. I felt worthless and no good.

The one thing I know for certain is that for those of you who have also been affected by narcissistic abuse, you have developed a deep sense of self-awareness, a sense of gratefulness for the tiny moments of kindness that others have shown you and a high level of empathy from a young age. Most of you sought out therapy and have always helped and be-friended the shy or needy. Yes you have made many mistakes along the way, by getting involved with people who resembled your family of origin, however this is a logical result of growing up in an abusive or neglectful home.

The thing that helped me the most in my recovery was forgiving myself for struggling so much in my life. Self-compassion is the best gift you can give yourself as an abuse survivor.Recovering from narcissistic abuse means that you have to dig deep to reveal the many layers of trauma. You have to acknowledge that it isn’t going to be easy to go through all the painful realisations of your past but that is extremely important to work through each layer and grieve your losses. Trusting that others won’t hurt you is a huge struggle for those who have been abused. If your primary caregivers let you down so badly, why on earth would you trust complete strangers?

The most important thing to remember is that there is no time frame on healing and that everyone copes and heals differently.

My advice will always be to ask yourself ‘What do I need’? ‘What am I scared of’? ‘How can I look after myself’?

For those of you who can relate and understand, just remind yourselves daily that you survived an unfair childhood and that from now on you can give yourself the unconditional love your parents weren’t able to give you. In every low moment, remind yourself that you are brave and resilient.

Now in my 30’s I have already been through the darkest moments of despair and have healed extensively through many years of trauma therapy. I am now armed with knowledge,coping skills and the most important thing: the knowledge that healing is possible and that you ARE able to live a more fulfilling life. If you had asked me this same question 2 years ago, I wouldn’t be feeling so optimistic.

Now I am putting all my knowledge into helping others and it feels good! It feels good to see that others feel validated & comforted, because this is a feeling I missed out on a lot! It feels good to be there and pass on information, even if it only helps one other person. Free advice is so valuable and we can all do it! So many of us are already doing it!

Love Athina ♥

Complicated grief for adult survivors of abuse

Societal mandates assert that loss is accompanied by a conventional paradigm of grief, replete with ceremonial rituals and a finite process of mourning. Yet when the loss pertains to more intangible sources of grief such as prolonged abuse and trauma, one size does not fit all.

Adult survivors of child abuse, beset by complex post-traumatic stress disorder often grapple with persistent complicated bereavement disorder. They are plagued by persistent yearnings for the love and normalcy they never had. They are weighed down by innumerable intangible losses such as safety, dignity, belonging and a cohesive sense of self.

Family as Sacrosanct

For adult survivors of chronic child abuse the notion of ‘family as sacrosanct’ is a principle that fosters confusion, alienation, shame and outrage. Within the context of familial sacredness doctrines are explicit. Love thy mother and father and honor their function and authority.

However, when that mother or father robbed that child of his/her birthright, their innocence, their childhood, even their Self, who gets to determine how that child should ‘appropriately’ respond to sundry losses or the most glaringly pivotal loss of a parent’s passing? How is the survivor to measure up to a proclamation that has no bearing on her history or her reality?

Anecdotal Forgiveness

Anecdotal forgiveness seems to be the standard advice handed out to survivors of abuse. Survivors are advised to offer absolution to the abusive parent regardless of whether the abuser has attempted any sort of restitution. Ostensibly, this will set the abuse survivor free and concomitantly confer them the designation of good son/daughter. With religious zeal, this approach is considered a crowning achievement.

As you can see from everything written in this article http://pro.psychcentral.com/complicated-bereavement-for-adult-survivors-of-abuse/0011089.html# asking someone to forgive their abusive parent, is like throwing salt into an already extremely painful wound, especially when that parent never apologised or felt remorse.

Recipient of the Lifetime Achievement Award from the International society for Traumatic Stress Studies, Dr. Judith Herman, refers to the aforementioned construct as the forgiveness fantasy. Dr. Herman states:

“Forgiveness is a relational process. “‘I forgive you’ is the response to a heartfelt apology and request for forgiveness. If the apology is never made, the process of forgiveness cannot take place. And “genuine contrition in a perpetrator is a rare miracle.”

I completely agree with Dr Herman’s words!

Those of you who feel that you have to forgive, don’t!

Inspired by https://bodyelectricweb.wordpress.com/ on expressing anger and the topic of forgiveness. If I were her, I don’t think a perpetrator deserves forgiveness if there is no remorse.

How to be assertive-Steps to healthy self-assertion

This post is the last one on assertion and hopefully the most useful to those of you who struggle with being a people-pleaser and/or are quite passive in your relationships with others.There is also a YouTube video attached for those of you who are auditory & visual learners.

Here is a quick guide on how to be assertive:

Firstly get the person’s full attention when you are trying to make an important point. This may seem like a given however it is important to ensure there are no distractions.
Describe in an objective way, what you are having difficulty with in regards to the other person’s behaviour. EXAMPLE: ” I said I wanted to speak to you and you have just turned on the tv”.
Express constructive feelings using ”I” statements. Don’t say ”You completely ignored me”.Instead, choose to say ” I feel upset that you are not listening to me”. It is ok to state feelings of disappointment & annoyance, as these are constructive feelings.
Check your statements & make sure the other person gives you a response. This will hopefully enable some sort of resolution later on. EXAMPLE: ”I feel that you are hiding something from me. What do you think about this”?
Listen to the other person’s response with an open mind and give feedback in a controlled manner. Avoid dismissing the reply as soon as it is given.
State your preferences clearly. EXAMPLE: ”I would like if you could always be honest with me”.
Request agreement from the other person.If they don’t agree or try to avoid the subject, clearly state ”Are you willing to make any changes?”
Communicate any relevant information concerning future occurences.State what you will do if the same problem re-occurs.

Child abuse, Complex PTSD & managing emotional flashbacks

****Please share & re-blog this post to help as many others as possible****

This blog post might be useful to anybody out there who suffers with Complex PTSD, who has suffered from childhood abuse or who has a loved one who suffers with a mental illness. I have created the below charts to assist those of you who might need a clearer map of how complex trauma affects individuals and why they might have moments of overreacting to criticism, an angry tone of voice or a stern look. Emotional flashbacks are explained and a list of coping skills are included, which I have used extensively throughout my own healing over the last 4 years. I find that boxes, colours and diagrams are very useful for me to remember things, especially because my own Complex PTSD affects my memory and cognitive function. Forgive me if there are any errors.

Please note that I have also added links under each image, so you can download these diagrams for your own free use.

Below is also a video I just did on YouTube! It is around 7 minutes long, if you can bare it 😉

emotional flashbacks 2

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7k454c6xtmnUWJxaFJZd1VILTQ/view?usp=sharing

emotional flashbacks

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7k454c6xtmnQ3VXZmVzOU9fZk0/view?usp=sharing

diagram of emot

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B7k454c6xtmnMDNDdnQyRUlEeXM/view?usp=sharing

Thanks for reading

Much love Athina ♥

YouTube video-How to protect yourself from a narcissist

Dealing with a narcissist in a safe way is very important for your well-being, especially if you aren’t able to avoid them and go ‘no contact.

10 tips – How to choose a healthy partner after an emotionally abusive relationship

”The negativity of the world can’t put you down, unless you allow it to get inside you”

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The above quote is easier said than done when we are constantly surrounded by negativity, tragedy, pain and loss. If we were raised by mentally ill, abusive parents, the negativity that we carry with us takes years to change in therapy. It is a huge commitment but it is possible to change for the better.

If we have been lucky enough to only have certain certain negative experiences with others and in our life, then this of course makes it easier to not sink into the depths of negativity or despair.

If we have many loving, uplifting people in our life, a good job, a healthy lifestyle and a loving marriage then does negativity affect us less? It probably does but what is also important to consider is the amount of inner resilience and courage we have and the possibility of mental illness or physical illness which can touch anyone.

Every person is unique and each experience is also unique but how prepared are we to challenge that inner voice we might have of worry or destructive thinking? Not everyone is willing to reflect on themselves.

It is difficult to commit to changing a bad habit but if this habit is making us miserable then we should want to put in the effort to change it at whatever cost, right?

One of the biggest things I learnt is that we are the driver in our life. We get to choose what direction we go in and whatever comes our way is up to us how we deal with it. Making excuses in life is easy but when we are really passionate about something, excuses don’t exist. Maybe we should always aspire to finding passionate purpose in our life.Some of us may choose to dedicate our lives helping those less fortunate. Others may be passionate about art, science or education. Whatever we choose to do in our life, balance is very important, respect of others and ourselves is important and giving back as much as we take, is also important.

Currently, I wake up every morning with the ability to spend my days freely and I feel fortunate in so many ways. Although I have experienced tragedy, trauma and been surrounded by negativity in my immediate family for most of my life, I have chosen to give back, to share, to support and to be grateful for every single thing I have. When I watch the news, I feel overwhelmed with the state of our world. The greed that has destroyed so many lives, the fantasies of wealth and power that continue to kill innocence and safety. The constant lies that we are fed in the media, the poverty, the destruction and the neverending war are enough to erase any hope for a stable future.

What can we do however? Do we turn a blind eye and retreat into our own little bubble of life, work and family or do we make sure that we do one good thing for somebody else each day? If we earn an extra 100 or 200 a month, shall we donate it to charity to help others or do we keep it in case tragedy hits us and we need to pay medical bills?

There are so many questions to answer but the one most important thing I have realised is that we can always give back, that we can assist and share our love and be kind to others as much as possible. Keeping negativity away is very difficult, especially when you are a highly sensitive person but whenever you have the opportunity to help someone in need, then I believe you should do it. It is important to have a good conscience and that is the thing that drives me in most of my decisions.What is yours?

We are not infallible and just like any other person we have days where we feel that we haven’t done enough or could have been a bit more aware of our choices. The important thing however is that we keep learning and we keep growing.

Love Athina ♥

Take control of your own healing

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Every healing journey is unique to each person. No journey should be judged, minimised or discounted.

Whether it is childhood abuse, emotional, sexual or physical abuse, domestic abuse, grief, a single trauma or multiple traumas, nobody has the right to criticize someone else’s journey.

If you have compassion and maybe share what helped you, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will help others in the same way. Having compassion and empathy is so crucial. Listening, without trying to fix is also important.

After you reach a certain point in your healing, you will notice that things get easier. The intensity of certain emotions lessen and your sense of self-protection and boundaries are solid. If you suffer from a mental illness, it doesn’t necessarily mean it will go away. You eventually just learn to accept that it is a part of you and that you can handle it in a self-compassionate way.

What is your experience with healing?

Do you believe you will reach a point in your recovery where things eventually feel better?

Are you persistent in practicing self-care and healing with appropriate professional support?

Don’t forget that healing is a very up and down process. It isn’t always straightforward. Sometimes just as you are starting to feel better, something else comes along which needs processing. It might feel that you are back to square one again but this really isn’t the case.

Changes happen in very small ways sometimes and it depends on whether you have regular support.

Always be kind to yourself and others going through a process of healing ♥

Love Athina ♥